Welcome Back Hockey!

It's the story of 1 boy, 1 digital cable box, 1 free week's trial of the NHL Center Ice Package, and 15 games of hockey in one night! With 1 mostly understanding girlfriend and 2 cats thrown in for good measure.

Surprisingly enough, there's a fair amount of excitement from ALL of us here at SP for the return of the NHL. We've been debating the finer points here in the Forum, but for once I'll forgive you if you've been too lazy to go for the free sign-up and join in the fun: we'll cover most of what's inside this topic in this article.

That said, nobody's fooling nobody here, I'm the big hockey geek of the site. When the NHL announced that opening night would feature all 30 teams in action, my first thought was literally Great! I will be watching all of them, logistics be damned! And so here I am. We'll be featuring a running diary of the night's action in a little bit, but first I have a few points to discuss.

In hockey, more than in any other sport, I will watch a game regardless of who's playing. Part of it is the fact that after the North Stars left town I scattered my allegiance to the winds, eventually ending up favoring Edmonton and Colorado. Eventually I assume I'll feel some affinity towards the Wild, but for now they're still the expansion team. I'll put them a bit higher up on the pecking order, but that's about as far as I'll go. On the flip side of that, there aren't too many teams who I'll just knee-jerk root against. Detroit is one. Vancouver is getting there. With all that said, I'll still watch at least part of any game you put in front of me, because it's just plain that fast, exciting, and entertaining, regardless of who's involved.

If you're a hockey fan who's just coming out of your coma, you should be advised that a lot has changed since Tampa Bay last skated around with the Stanley Cup. The owners locked out the players, sacrificed a full year's schedule, and eventually beat them down and imposed a salary cap, which has led to such roster turnover that I'm not even sure the players in the league know who's on any given team, let alone the fans. We'll get to that in a while. On top of that, there have been some rule changes. Gone is the two-line pass - the red line is now for icing only. Speaking of icing, any team that ices the puck now also forfeits the chance to make a line change. Goalies have to wear smaller pads now, and are restricted as to where on the ice they can handle the puck. They've also brought back something called tag-up offisides, which is easy to understand but hard to explain, so just watch the little EA sports video explanation link there. Gone as well are ties. No more tying in hockey. Now every Tom, Dick, and Harry Sportsfan in the world can decipher the hockey standings without need of a three paragraph explanation as to which of the four numbers meant what out of win, loss, overtime loss, and tie. Plus, to break any ties after overtime, there'll be a shootout, which will sell well on Sportscenter. Picture this scene to decide a game:

I like to call this "Satan vs. the Goalie"

I think it's going to be very exciting, and hey, if it's good enough for the World Cup (the Football one), it's good enough for me.

Oh, and lest I forget, there will be crackdown #720 on obstruction, holding, hooking, and interference, and we'll see if it lasts longer than 90 days this time. Personally, I hope so.

One more quick thing before we get to the running diary. What the hell happened to the NHL logo? Look below - the one on the left is the new one, the one on the right is the old one.

Now, I can understand wanting to switch to a silver logo. Silver is the color of the Cup, so why not? But why the hell did they change the direction of the text to read from bottom-to-top? Nobody reads like that, it's unnatural. Maybe it's a small gripe, but it just doesn't look right. Maybe someday I'll get used to it, and if I do I'm sure at some point I'll take a moment to be sad about that.

Enough preamble, it's hockey time!

6PM: The seldom-used 860s channels make an appearance on my cable box. 861 has Thrashers v. Panthers, 862 has Canadiens v. Bruins, and 863 has Islanders v. Sabres. My natural reaction is to favor Bruins/Habs, largely because I want to see if Montreal is gonna have any kind of a team this year, because I'm ready for them to come back. They've been gone, they've been down, they used to be the kings of hockey, and I wouldn't mind seeing them finally shed that Curse of Patrick Roy. However, the national anthems take too long, and so...

6:10: The puck drops on the 2005-2006 NHL season in Buffalo! I let out a small cheer.

6:12: Yeah, remember what I said about the crackdown on penalties? Buffalo gets their first Power Play.

6:14: Buffalo scores their first Power Play goal. Let the complaining start from everyone who thinks that there shouldn't be a penalty if there isn't blood. Let the rest of us cheer the fact that on the other side of Power Play Hell we might get to see some outstanding, free-wheeling hockey.

6:16: Now it's the Isles turn to try out the Power Play. Out comes the PP unit, and who's that on the blueline? Why it's Satan and Zhitnik! This leads to the following exchange:

They have a guy named Satan?
It's pronounced Sha-tan. Do you want a Satan jersey?
Yes, please.
Which was followed shortly thereafter by:
They have a guy named Shitnik?
Well it's spelled with a ZH, but otherwise yes.
Sweet.

Shades of the Sports Guy's "Pujols moment" there...

6:20: The Isles score just after the Power Play expires. There's definitely more scoring so far in the new NHL.

6:22: Flip to the Boston/Montreal game just in time to see Boston go on the Power Play. The game just doesn't have the same flow as the other one, though, and I can't stand the Bahstan accent blaring at me from NESN, so...

6:23: Back to the Isles/Sabres. The Islanders are on the PP yet again. This time the Penalty Kill prevails. We discuss the definitions of PP/PK while the gray kitten settles in for her 14th long nap of the day.

6:30: Start time for the next round of games. Channel 864 has Lightning v. Hurricanes, 865 has Penguins v. Devils, and 866 is showing Blues v. Red Wings. Of course, the notable game is on 865, because when the puck drops in New Jersey, it'll be the debut of The Crosby Show (yes, I can hear Wade A. yelling "THREO!" from here). Sidney Crosby in his first game as the most hyped new draftee since Mario Lemieux, actually on the ice with Lemieux. Must see TV, that's what I call it.

(I thought about calling this column "Christ returns to the NHL", in an homage to The Onion, but thought it might be too far of a reach to include it as anything but a parenthetical aside in the middle of the column.)

6:34: (But first) since nothing's started yet, I turn back to 863 in time to see the Islanders' goalie Rick DiPietro make a fantastic diving glove save. I knew the kid had gotten some hype "last" year, but it looks like he's got some talent, too.

6:38: The Stanley Cup makes its appearance in Tampa, and they unveil their championship banner to a very cheesy ceremony with Queen blaring from the PA. But that's hockey for ya. I liked it anyway.

6:38:30: The puck drops in Jersey! Lemieux hits the ice on a line with two relative no-names (he doesn't need anyone anyway). Rumor has it they've put Crosby with LeClair and Recchi. Sure enough...

6:40: Crosby gets set up for his first scoring chance, point-blank, on his first shot, on his first shift, just like Lemieux all those years ago. But where Mario scored on his first-ever, Crosby had the misfortune to be shooting at probably the best goalie in the game right now, Martin Brodeur, who saves it. But Pittsburgh gets their first Power Play out of it. Go figure.

6:43: Second Power Play for the Pens.

6:45: Third Power Play (and first 5-on-3) for the Pens.

6:47: The first out-of-the-penalty-box two line pass leading to a rush and scoring chance for the Devils. Of course, it also leads to...

6:48: The Fourth Pens Power Play (and Second 5-on-3 advantage)! The NHL's new motto is now: This is gonna get worse before it gets better, but just trust us, ok? And despite all of this, the game is scoreless. If you needed any more proof that Brodeur is the best in the game, this is it. He's been making some fantastic saves so far tonight.

6:54: Switch to the Wings game for a bit, in time to hear that all jerseys from ALL of the games tonight will be auctioned off for charity, with proceeds going to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. I tried to find a link on NHL.com to verify that, but the only thing I found was that the league's official site is impossible to navigate. The main page is fine, but try to find anything more than a day old. I dare you.

7PM: We turn the TV to America's Next Top Model so that I don't have to spend the night sleeping on the couch. This gives me a chance to peruse the listed opening day lineups for each team in an attempt to figure out just exactly who is who and where they all are. Some observations...

• I realize that I'm really not a hockey rat, in that I really couldn't tell my Serge Aubins from my Adrian Aucoins without a serious roadmap and a giant compass hanging from my neck, Flava Flav style.

• This reflects itself in my fantasy hockey team, where I only really recognize about 70% of the names on my own team. And as it turns out, one of those names is Adrian Aucoin. Go figure.

• Calgary seems to have the most random collection of players who I will always think of as being on some other team. Tony Amonte, Roman Hamrlik, Andrew Ference, Stephan Yelle, Steve Reinprecht, Darren McCarty. Darren McCarty? I kinda figured he was one of those jerks who had "Wings for Life" tattooed on his ass.

• Vowel madness. There are three players in the league with repeating Is: Miikka Kiprusoff, Janne Niinimaa, and Antero Niittymaki. Notables with repeating Es: Jonathan Cheechoo, Jay Bouwmeester, and Teemu Selanne. Cheechoo also clearly has the repeating O, along with: Derek Boogaard, Jordin Tootoo, and Wade Brookbank. Boogaard shares his repeating A with: Antti Laaksonen, Ossi Vaananen, and Janne Niinimaa. Finally, the double U crew: the inimitable brothers Tuomo and Jarkko Ruutu.

• I love hockey names.

• The Minnesota Wild have a Boogaard, a Bouchard, and a Chouinard. I'll be watching their games with subtitles, apparently.

• The LA Kings have the most pronounceable roster, featuring names like Derek, Shawn, Eric, Ken, Dustin, Mike, Craig, Joe, and Jeff, with only the occasional Pavol or Lubomir to spice things up.

• Occasional Lubomir would be a good name for a band.

• Florida has the murderers row of hockey names: Olli Jokinen, Juraj Kolnik, Lukas Krajicek, Joel Kwiatkowski, Branislav Mezei, Rostislav Olesz, and Jozef Stumpel.

7:55: They kick Sarah off the island. Yeah, we all saw that coming. Back to hockey!

7:58: I have attained a nasty gash on my right index finger from wrestling with the orange kitten. This teaches me not to pester him so much when we haven't clipped his claws in a while. This also makes typing and mousing extremely annoying, but I suppose that's better than getting blood on my trackpad.

8:05: There are now 10 games going at once. This is almost too much to handle, so I'm just flipping randomly. I watch the entirety of a Calgary Power Play before I realize that they're even on the PP. I think I've probably seen more PP time tonight then regular 5-on-5 hockey. Which makes the NHL's new motto: Ahh, you'll get used to it.

8:08: Catch a replay of Toronto's Mats Sundin taking a puck to the face, resulting in a big cut around his eye. He wins the award for the season's first grisly hockey injury.

8:11: LA is ahead of Dallas 3-0 already. I start a small chant of "Norm Sucks" in my living room. I will never forgive the Stars for leaving town. I think we should have named the new team the North Stars just to piss them off.

8:15: Boston has black ads on the boards directly behind both goals. This looks terrible, and it makes it very difficult to follow the puck. I don't like it.

8:18: Flip back to the Penguins game in time to see Pittsburgh on yet another 5-on-3 Power Play. They're down 3-0, though, so I don't think that's working so well for them...

8:23: Boston gets called for one of the "new" penalties with 26 seconds left in a tie game. The first round of complaining about the referees deciding games begins. The rest of us cheer.

8:25: Montreal scores 15 seconds later. Here's hoping the rules enforcement keeps up until there won't be a need to end a game this way.

8:33: Catch a replay of Crosby's first point, on a nice assist. We're down from 10 games to 7 now, but this is still a lot of work.

8:36: The Pens are on the Power Play again! They're now down 4-1, so it's pretty clearly still not working. I predict a round of special teams drills at the Penguins next practice. A quick scan of the Thursday morning box scores shows 22 minutes of penalties for the Devils, and 16 for the Penguins. That's almost two-thirds of the total game in penalty time. The NHL's ever evolving motto is now simply: You like Power Plays.

9PM: I've given up. I just can't handle this anymore. It's too much hockey.

I flip back and forth between the Colorado v. Edmonton game, and the end of the Ottawa v. Toronto game. Ottawa wins the first ever shootout on two goals from Alfredsson and Heatley. The purists begin their first bemoaning of of the loss of the tie. The rest of us cheer.

Edmonton, for some reason, has absolutely the best looking ice surface in the league, hands down the easiest to follow the puck on. I wonder if it's something to do with the lighting in the building. I don't know, but I do know that Horcoff scored their first goal of the year in about 20 seconds. I think it's gonna be a long year for goalies.

Finally, showing my age, I fall asleep in the 3rd Period of Oil/Avalanche. The Oilers win the game, and I fall asleep to the return of hockey. It's a sweet drooling sleep - welcome back Hockey!