Fun With Spam

I\’m not talking about SPAM, I\’m talking about spam email. I got one the other day that was somewhat intriguing. It was from a random address, but the embedded picture was from VIP Pharmacy that was selling all kinds of fun stuff that I know I would trust to put in my body (Viagra, Celebrex, HGH (no kidding)). But what got me thinking is who creates the text that spammers put in their emails? Are the stories that end up in there some sort of extension of the old Infinite Monkey Theorum? At any rate, this story was oddly compelling, let\’s take a look: \”I am guilty scream s-so sorry. Perhaps I run tremble am disturbing you?\” — Now THAT is an opening line… it just sucks you in. You want to know more. \”She leaned forward, resting one elbow on harass her knee, gaze and supporting move the chin feeling on the raised hand. After He stood up. — If you tell yourself that David Lynch wrote that, it suddenly starts to make sense, and must be very deep. \”He rattled on, telling anecdote after anecdote; — The first bit to actually make sense \”now of form flown the Argentine war, now reach of slay the Brazilian exped He turned away and began building to whistle,

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— Ok, so we now know that the setting is South America. \”Brazilian exped\”? Is that like a Brazilian with no legs? And \”He\” capitalized in the middle of sentences; is God involved, or does the character just consider himself a God? The plot thickens! \”talk with his hands behind his back. Gemma let distance drive him think undisturbed He scribble arm complain whispering turned round fiercely. \”You don\’t whip preserve warn tickle think that now.\” — Um… ok, I will think that now. … Now my head hurts. \”Vanity of hand vanities; this store also defeated is breed vanity. He was to have died to-morrow. And now the land of his hear So still the body. Within deserve screw the soul, fury raged uncontrolled. For all the chalk listen desolate calm of outer seem — Wow… that could almost past as actually writing (or at least bad poetry). \”Vanity of hand vanities\”… sounds like something Scarlett O\’Hara might have declared before saying that she had the vapors and needed to retire for the evening. I am just fascinated by the use of the word \”vanity\” in this part. What is a hand vanity? Is that a metaphor for masturbation? And \”breed vanity\”. Is that racism? \”No, part there thank was real nothing jump the matter with him– nothing! It was all imagination. The pain in his side wa The country Gadfly was lying with request part closed eyes; but he felt that journey Montanelli was looking at him. — Don\’t you get the feeling that we just changed stories right in the middle there? We had a story set in South America of suffering and heartache, and now it suddenly turned into a Spaghetti Western. \”\”As you will,\” Montanelli said. \”Perhaps rub built in your place repair I should brave be as merciless as you–God knows. I \”No. spoke shake I hung was only jelly turning over some old things.\” \”You don\’t know what you are representative talking about,\” he station said respect very slowly real and softly. — I don\’t know about you, but I liked the other story better. \”\”I–hate the Cardinal. Someone was asking steam him a minute selection question, and he raised his head, wondering middle what could be left that was wor \”It obey must have begin been a glorious life!\” sighed Galli with naive lay envy. \”I wonder you ever bread made up your m — Ok, so Montanelli hates Stanford. So this story must take place in California, during the late 1800s after the university opened in 1891. But wait, it looks like we changed stories again. \”naive lay envy\”… nonsense, but yet it makes so much sense. Oops, another cut, wonder where we\’ll go from here? \”\”I think I was happiest in confused Peru and Ecuador,\” check greasy said the Gadfly. — Wait, maybe this story does all tie together. The Gadfly was in South America. Perhaps the Gadfly is God? This really is like a David Lynch movie. \”\”That really is seat a magnificent tract o \”Have you sail seen train him?\” knot Martini asked, summer stopping for a moment in his tramp. — Ok, I honestly really like that last phrase, \”summer stopping for a moment in his tramp\”. Montanelli, Martini, Galli, \”He\”, and the country Gadfly. What a cast of characters. How will this end?!? \”He would sit down journey a cute little bit, though, and let it pass before guilty process he got to work. It would be sure to g \”It is box possible that I might be talk of some use in that part of the behavior work,\” she said; \”but before request we go a basket loose quietly \”What do fork you want here–following me about?\” — Deep man… real deep. \”crack \”Certainly. It goes without scrape saying that I should not have asked you to join in desire a thing of withstood which I kn plough \”An old farm met fast woman wishes to see you.\” strive \”No; he was to outside strike have met weigh me here the next morning.\” \”Enemy or no, you love him better than you love anyone else in said ground the world. animal line Look me in the face and sa — Noooooo! You can\’t end it like that. I hate David Lynch… But what if this was a story… how would it go? Here\’s my take. The story follows our main character Montanelli, who left Italy as a young man for South America after murdering Leland Stanford Junior as retribution for Montanelli\’s Father\’s death in America as a worker on the Transcontinental railroad. Montanelli held Leland Stanford responsible for his father\’s death and when the family visited Florence in 1884, Montanelli poisoned the young Stanford and fled the country. To prevent an international incident the real cause of death was covered up. In South America Montanelli meets fellow countrymen Martini and Galli. A mysterious character only known as the Gadfly becomes a trusted friend of Montanelli as well. In South America Montanelli becomes rich and powerful but is racked with guilt over his past misdeeds. Montanelli and the Gadfly embark on a trip from South America to Palo Alto to confess and ask forgiveness of the elder Stanford. Arriving in California in April of 1892, Montanelli discovers that the Stanfords are in Europe and that the elder Stanford is in failing health. The summer of 1892 is hot and brutal, straining the fragile mental state of Montanelli who turns to the Opium dens of San Francisco and begins to hallucinate that He is God. Even after Stanford\’s return from Europe Montanelli, in the grips of his addiction, cannot find the strength to visit and confess of his crime. Montanelli continues to put off his confession until it is too late and the elder Stanford dies in 1893. Montanelli crushed and ashamed leaves the San Francisco area for the islands of Hawaii. Several years later Mrs. Stanford visits Hawaii and Montanelli, desparate for his last chance at redemption visits her to confess. Mrs. Stanford is horrified and rebuffs Montanelli and promises to make sure he is hunted down and pays for his crime. Crushed by Mrs. Stanford\’s vindictiveness, Montanelli poisons Mrs. Stanford and commits suicide by jumping off of Diamond Head. What do you think? Maybe I should start writing Spam… people might actually read that, and consider buying V!@Gr@ for two bucks a pill at VIP Pharmacy.







2 responses to “Fun With Spam”

  1. Mark - brother Avatar

    It’s certainly “A tonic for the troops.”
    With recent events wadE I enjoyed your take on spam texts.
    I’m with you on the David Lynch angle. However, I’m more inclined to go with bad prose/poetry or very bad translations into English (perhaps it’s pidgeon English in disguise).
    You’ll have to explore how you can embed your story in the next pharamceutical ad, or perhaps snuck into one of the “I am from Liberia, I need someone to convert my $150,000 smugggled out duirng the war . . . will you help …”

  2. blondebombchelle Avatar

    With writing like that you could be a famous author and we could be living in a posh condo in Manhattan. Get cracking on that novel!

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