Why He\’s Just Not That Into You* bothers me.

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4 responses to “Why He\’s Just Not That Into You* bothers me.”

1. 

   Explosive Bombchelle

   February 18, 2009

   I don’t think I’m about to write a spoiler in anyway, but the movie begins in a playground where a boy bullies a girl and the girl’s mother tells her “it’s because he likes you.” The premise is we learn “the game” very young and it continues with us through adulthood. Life isn’t a game, but the playground moment resonated for me on so many levels. Women are explicitly taught that men tease us when they like us, play cool and aloof when interested, and aren’t interested in women who seem “desperate” which translates loosely to “interested.” Our mothers, friends, and co-workers perpetuate these lessons as a means of protecting us from the hurt and pain of someone not being interested. What we don’t learn from being teased on the playground we learn from Disney; someday my prince will come. This prince is supposed to sweep us off our feet, falling in love at first sight, and rescuing us from the mean cruel world. Men don’t stand a chance of meeting those lofty expectations so if there is not immediate spark, no romantic first meeting, or a storybook beginning a lot of women will decide off the bat that you are not the one. Couple all this with the self-esteem struggles most women suffer from, especially in their younger years, and you have a recipe for dating disaster. If you are too interested there is obviously something wrong with you because many women feel they are flawed and then become fixated on men that haven’t shown interest, convincing themselves if they can just lose weight, cut their hair, hike the Himalayas, learn to surf, bungee jump, or pick up six foreign languages then the out of reach guy will certainly fall in love.

   In my opinion the movie went wrong is focusing on the “exception” rather than “the rule,” but “the rule” doesn’t make for a very good romantic comedy. You see, the rule is if he (or she) doesn’t call, write, or ask you out then he (or she) is just not that into you. The “exception” occurs when one is playing games or when one grows the hell up and realizes that Disney isn’t reality, that they are worth being loved rather than played, and that sticking around with someone who is “just not that into you” is a waste of time for both parties. Breakups, while painful and personal, just mean there is another fish out there who is more into your bait (or something like that).

   Where I thought I had a lot of luck during the dating years is my willingness to go out on one date with just about anyone who had the guts to ask and my ability to ask people out and recover from rejection by asking the person next to him out. This was definitely not “playing by the rules” and it came with a laundry list of good stories and battle scars. It was accepting that just because someone was not that into me doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me, or him. It is understanding that someone might not create a spark on the first meeting, but giving them a chance on a date could yield something more. There are 6 billion people in this world; chances are we’ll all bump into a few that aren’t a good match.

   This all requires “getting out there.” Far too many women I knew during my dating years thought I was crazy, a slut, had low standards, went out too much, blah, blah, blah. They were waiting for their Disney Moment, that knight and shining armor to show up at their apartment door, whisk them away, and live happily ever after. This always made me laugh; unless they were interested in the pizza delivery guy that was never, ever going to happen.

   A note to your female readers: I met wadE in a bar; it wasn’t romantic, we didn’t have a spark, he was cute enough to approach and chat with but otherwise wasn’t “my type.” We hung out, became friends, shared laughs, dated other people, and somewhere along the way realized “wow.” We could have easily brushed each other off because we weren’t the other’s “type” (admittedly I thought he was cute enough for a little fun but didn’t fit my tall, skinny, and dark template). It took us a while to develop our happy ending; if we would have rushed into becoming “exclusive” we would have quickly extinguished any chance. We did not have the love at first sight Disney relationship, but I’m pretty happy we got to know each other anyway….

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2. 

   wadE

   February 18, 2009

   “pretty happy” ??? 😛

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3. 

   Explosive Bombchelle

   February 18, 2009

   Can’t let you think I’m too interested, you might think I’m desperate 😉

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4. 

   Explosive Bombchelle

   February 20, 2009

   Since my response was long enough for a full featured post on Explosive Bombchelle, here it is.

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