Diary of the 3rd Annual Austin Bar Crawl

- wadE, Wade, Alex

For the uninitiated, we here at SP all hail from the same small midwestern town: Austin, Minnesota. It's the home of SPAM, John Madden, and many other useless fatty things. In early 2001 the notion was put forth that a bar crawl of Austin (that is, going to each and every bar in our hometown and having one drink) would be a helluva good time. After much research and planning, the first ABC occurred in late July of 2001.

The decision was made to limit the crawl to those establishments that were truly bars...not bars and restaurants. Therefore a place like Applebees would not be included, nor the Sportt's Bar and Grill, etc. This was a good choice because this lowered the total number of places from over 20 down to 16. However, since that time a few local establishments have disappeared, and we added a couple new places to make up for it this year... much to our dismay.

The participants this year were the same as last year: (from l-r above) Wade, Jason, yours truly, Alex, Matty, and Dan. As usual, a good time was had by all and thankfully another year has passed without anyone dying. Joining me again in recounting the debauchery will be Alex and Wade.

Now that wadE's done plagarizing himself from last year's column... on to this year's recap!!!

Now, without further ado, I welcome you to the diary of the 3rd Annual Austin Bar Crawl!!!

What's the big problem with ado? I might write an article soon that's *all* ado. Deal with that.

After last year's triumphant consumption of the infamous Sportt's Bar Sumo Burger, some of the other guys were pondering an attempt of their own so they too could be the lucky owner of their very own T-shirt declaring them a champion over the dreaded and enormous burger. So we all convened at the Sportt's Bar at 6:00 Friday night.

Also in attendance at Sportt's was local Austin celeb Conrad Muzik. Mr. Muzik was, naturally, a band teacher in the Austin school system. His wife (Mrs. Muzik) taught voice lessons. Why do people always look at me funny when I talk about Austin?

The menu last year stated the Sumo burger to be 20 oz. of ground beef. This year however, no size was given. This still proved to be too much of a challenge for Matty, Dan, and Alex. However, Wade and Jason were up for the challenge. Since I conquered the burger in 12 minutes (you get 30 min. to eat it and the french fries to get your T-shirt), I thought I would up the ante this year, and go for the Heavyweight Sumo.

Hmm... "too much of a challenge", eh? Well, I'd like to say that I don't go for idiotic eating challenges, but we all know that's not true. I guess I just wasn't feeling it that night.

Although no size was given for either burger, when Wade and Jason's Sumo Burgers arrived, there was no doubt that it was still larger than 1 lb. It was an impressive burger. Then, the Heavyweight Sumo arrived.

The Heavyweight Sumo is a loaf of bread cut in half, with two Sumo Burger patties stacked in-between. It is approximately the size of an NFL football, plus I had twice the fries Wade and Jason had. I was in trouble.

However, I had 45 minutes to tackle the beast. I chose a divide and conquer approach and sawed the giant burger in half...also, the damn thing was so big I couldn't pick it up and eat it whole. I picked up my first half and squeezed it. It was like ringing out a dishtowel. The puddle of grease that formed on my plate was an omen of the pain and suffering I was about to endure.

wadE neglects to mention that he licked up said puddle of grease.

I took a swig of my 34 oz. beer and dove in. I quickly went through the first half of the burger, not even feeling remotely ill. I realized though this would be a close contest, and the main problem would be those damn french fries, the french are nothing but trouble! I focused on taking them down while Matty threw in the towel on his Turkey burger, not even finishing. Dan stopped at one plate of his "all you can eat" cod. Dan made the key mistake of filling up on bread. Alex polished off his regular sized burger nicely, and all I could hear from the far end of the table was moans of agony from Wade and Jason, well, mostly Jason, but they were closing in on victory.

A one pound of burger actually sounded like a good idea at the time. And it truly wasn't *that* much of a struggle. Don't know if that's a fact to be proud of, but irregardless. I didn't get the meat sweats until later in the evening.

With those bastard fries out of the way, I moved in on the rest of the burger. I made it halfway through (3/4 total) and then I hit the wall. I was only at 22 minutes, I had plenty of time; but all the time in the world wasn't going to help me. I needed hours for what I had already eaten to get out of the way. Then the waitress came by with the T-shirts for all of us. At the time I thought I would surely be jinxed by this move, but I pressed on. Methodically I made my way through the last of the burger, finishing at 27 minutes.

Veni, Vidi, Vici!

I had triumphed, but at what cost. For the next 4 hours I could hardly move. This isn't surprising considering I had just consumed nearly 5 pounds of food and drink. 34 oz beer, a minimum of 2 lbs. of burger, a loaf of bread, and a double order of fries. I strongly discourage anyone from attempting the Heavyweight Sumo. The number of pages, in the book you are immortalized in, tell the tale. There are a couple dozen pages of names of people who have consumed the Sumo successfully, compared with only 3 pages of Heavyweight Sumo champions. It truly isn't for the weak of stomach.

I wonder if I could get a grant for a longitudinal study of Heavyweight Sumo Burger eaters and average lifespan. Somebody call NIH!

And in case you're scoring at home (or even if you're alone), that's 470 words from wadE about the Heavyweight Sumo. Of course, most of the people who consume that amount of meat don't know 470 different words (if you don't count last names of NASCAR drivers as words.)

The Fruits Of My Labor!

The rest of the evening was spent at Jason's parentsĀ house. We played pool, video games, had some drinks, and half of us tried not to throw up. Although we don't have any pictures, I think it was best, if I ever see that burger again, I might puke.

There were also several twinkies consumed. Nothing tops off a large volume of meat like cream-filled sponge cake goodness. Oh, and there was licorice too. I developed a slight heart murmur that evening.

The next morning I woke up feeling much better. My stomach was still churning, and I wasn't sure if I was actually hungry, or still processing my burger. I played it safe and had a bowl of cereal, and went off to play golf at the fabulous Meadow Greens.

Golf = good times. We split up into two threesomes. (Boy, what an awful idea for a porn movie.) wadE, Al, and Matty teed off first, followed by Motsch, Jason and I. We figured Al would make wadE write down every one of his strokes. Al nearly killed me with a golf ball, but it was an accident and therefore not a very good story.

Love that gravel parking lot.

Dan was actually over-dressed for Meadow Greens.

After golf we all actually started to feel hungry. So in the early afternoon we went to Wade's house for the annual feast, which was followed by hot homerun derby action. Thankfully the temperature was only in the 80's this year, and we weren't in danger of losing Dan to heatstroke, but Alex started to get a little dizzy towards the end. Perfect time to embark on an evening of binge drinking!!!

My going theory was that I would combat the forces of alcohol by taking in as many calories and ounces of water as possible. I forgot to factor in the bloat. This bit me in the ass during the home run derby, and later in the evening as well.

For the second time in three years, I was shut out in the HR derby. I'm more of a, um, slap hitter. Yeah, that's it.

5:53 - We are underway on the Bar Crawl. Wade's parents were kind/foolish enough to let us borrow their minivan again...however, the far back seats are not in, so two of us will be sitting on the floor at any given time. Let this be known henceforth as Bad Idea #1. We are on our way to Torge's. It was added this year due to the loss of the Alaskan. Well, "loss" isn't the right word since the Alaskan was the unanimous choice as "Worst Bar" last year. Torge's is probably the nicest bar in Austin. The reason we haven't included it in the past is the fact it is so nice, it could really pass as a normal bar you would find in a large city.... so not Austin.

I figure making wadE ride on the floor of a minivan for five minutes is equal to me riding in the backseat of his Cougar to Madison and back a few years back.

I think I got rug-burn on my ass
from Wade taking corners to fast!

6:12 - Out the door of Torge's (pronounced Tor-guhees, not Tor-gees). We ordered 6 beers, but our waitress suggested we order a pitcher instead, it would be much cheaper. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but this subtle choice would have serious consequences. $9 for pitcher of Leine's Honey Weiss...another reason we don't go to Torge's much, they also have real bar prices.

Gotta agree, the pitcher thing became Bad Idea #2. But it made sense at the time, especially for wadE and I (whose mothers taught us that getting more for your money is better than actually being happy with what you get.) I felt a little bad for our waitress at Torge's... generally the site of six well-fed men walking in the door at 6 p.m. meant an entire night's worth of generous tips. We got more than a few odd stares walking out after one round.

6:15 - Arrive at Mapleview Lounge. The cement shack that is in the "suburb" of Austin. No one seems to really know why Mapleview isn't part of Austin...do they have their own mayor? Their own city council? Inquiring minds want to know!!! (Lord, the beer might be kicking in already!)

The "city hall" is right next to the bar, dude. It's the thing that looks like an aluminum shed. Probably because it is an aluminum shed. The mayor's name is Larry Naatz. God bless the internet.

6:19 - 6 beers, $6.10. Now THAT, is liquor value!

6:20 - Wade spills part of his beer on a stool while picking it up (the beer, not the stool), Matt promptly sits in it.

6:27 - After watching 5 minutes of TNN commercials for their new season of shows, Jason says, "I feel like going home, getting naked, and masturbating to these commercials." Hard to look down at him, that Stripperella cartoon w/ Pam Anderson looks top notch!

I made some joke about Spike Lee suing TNN for wanting the use the name SPIKE TV-- something about how this would probably drag Snoopy's brother Spike out from the desert and make it a class action suit. I get less funny after drinking.

No more Primo Light on tap, how disappointing!

6:40 - Swing by and pick up Jason's watch...he felt naked without it. Now there is another person I can constantly pester by asking "What time is it?"

Thank God. I was ready to plant my Teva up wadE's ass after a half hour.

6:50 - Arrive at Twister Lounge, attached to Echo Lanes. If you recall last year, we attempted the Twister as well, but it was declared "technically closed" by some strange man in the bowling alley. We decided to try again since with so many of the Austin bars closing, we thought we might run low on bars. Alex heads inside to find out. A few minutes later he emerges with the "thumbs-up". We head in.

That sign just sums it up.

6:55 - 6 beers, 6 frozen mugs, $6. If we had waited until after 8, it would have only been $3. I know where I'm drinking next time I'm back in Austin!!!

You'd think the when the previous bar was destroyed by a tornado in the 80's,
hence it now being the "Twister", they would have rebuilt with a more updated motif.

How cute.
I'm pretty sure the Twister was once again "technically" closed for the summer. The only difference is that this time the guy working there was willing to pour us drinks. There were eight total guys in the building - the six of us, and the two guys "working" there. No one was bowling, which probably was for the best.

The guys working there definitely liked to party, if you know what I mean. A big puff of smoke wafted out of the door when we went in. I felt like I was walking in to a Snoop Dogg video, only with less diversity. And less booty shakin'. Unless you count McEathron. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Jason's parents are no longer on the leaderboard for high scores at Echo Lanes. :(

7:07 - Arrive at Danny's. Danny's ups the ante with a frozen pitcher and frozen pilsner glasses. We each get a beer and a half out of the pitcher, so the $7.50 price seems fairly reasonable, but this is setting a dangerous precedent. Evil bartender...who by the way is female and somewhat goth. No Danny to be seen, in fact, besides the goth bartender, there is no one to be seen. So we take a seat and watch Perfect Storm on the TV.

I really wanted to buy a green Danny's foamy meshback hat. Thankfully, sanity prevailed.

7:12 - Wade loses ability to talk...I follow Matt and Jason into the bathroom with a camera to document the infamous hole in the stall door.

Note the coffee can mounted on the left side for your butts.
One word, classy!

Es Occupado!!!
Jason, flashing back to high school.

7:30 - Leave Danny's...Everyone declares they are "feelin' it". This is somewhat understandable. Four bars in about an hour, but with the pitchers each person has had 5+ beers.

That George Clooney suuure is handsome. (Four years ago in Madison, an obviously impaired co-ed said that I looked like the former E.R. hunk. And, no, I'm never going to let that go.)

Still a shithole.

7:33 - Arrive B&J. Jason goes to the bathroom, again. Alex talks Wade into the getting popcorn for the whole table.

That's practically a running gag at this point. I enable Wade to eat popcorn by ordering him to get it. As a bonus, I eat too!

I just give and give and give and give.....

7:34 - Wade spills popcorn on my leg. Pitch of Primo, $6.

7:35 - Fade To Black by Metallica is playing in the bar, but yet there is no jukebox. Later it switches to country.

Best Metallica song... ever. I don't remember hearing it. Perhaps Metallica is the soundtrack to wadE's life. Gawd, I hope not. Every song would be Metallica or Weird Al.

I've got to steal one of these.

7:47 - I make a reference (and hand gesture) to Jason indicating our waitress has "big funbags". Jason turns to look, and our waitress is staring back at us, Jason shoots beer out his nose.

7:50 - Matty makes obligatory BJ joke.

7:52 - Wade makes Chelle's cleavage joke, I punch him.

And I can't even remember what it was. I remember it being tasteful, though... As tasteful as a joke can be about my friend's wife's breasts.

7:52:30 - wadE turns into Jimmy Olsen.

Get it, the name of the bar...B and J...never mind.

7:53 - Arrive at Smitty's!!!

7:55 - Jason tries to put money in the jukebox...which isn't even plugged in. 6 beers = $6.

7:57 - Every burger on the table top menu is prefixed with "Rocky". Something even more strange is going on though. Smitty is strangely sober. Once we realized that Smitty wasn't going to pester us, we quietly drank our beers and left. I'm guessing that Smitty is on the wagon...or since his wife wasn't around he didn't need to drink. :-)

Strange to see a picture in front of Smitty's without
a drunken old man hanging on us.

It really just wasn't the same without Smitty terrorizing us. I have to admit I was disappointed. We all just kinda drank our beers out of spite at that point.

Smitty's.... sucked. I'm guessing his tolerance is so high at this point in life that he was only on beer number 17 of the evening, so he wasn't even buzzing.

8:20 - We find local celebrity Chad Apold sitting in a booth at Lefty's with another local celebrity The Fonz. Chad's band is playing and of course Wade and Jason want to hang out for awhile and listen. We're not complaining since a pitcher of beer sets us back $6.50.

Dan asks if this is the same band that was in Bobee Jos last year. Affirmative.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with your police work, there, Lou. Both *did* feature local celebrity Chad Apold, which may be what you're thinking. Of course, I think it's now a city regulation that local celebrity Chad Apold be a part of all bar bands. This band also featured my grandpa (apparently) on keyboards. This dude made Jerry Garcia look youthful and vibrant. I sure loved playing in a band, but, boy... I think 21 was a good age to quit.

8:25 - A man is spotted wearing a shirt advertising "Tranny Change"

To be fair, I don't think the concept of transvestites has reached southeastern Minnesota yet.

8:30 - A friend of his is spotted wearing a foamy meshback hat that says, "Sex is like credit, some get it, some don't." Best part is that the hat is setting about 5 inches off the top of his head...and him and "Tranny Change" guy are in their 50's/60's and are hitting on a girl in her 20's.

8:37 - Jason is babbling at Wade making him giggle uncontrollably. Matt says to the rest of us, "When we are in our 40's and Jason and Wade run away together, we're gonna say 'We should have seen that coming!'"

Look. Just ask Jason to do his impression of the Tasmanian Devil for you sometime. You'll turn into a little schoolgirl.

I'm really looking forward to comparing the picture of us in our 40s to this year's picture. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I'm drunk right now.

Why are Al and Dan standing like that?

8:45 - Arrive at Charley's Lounge. $5 pitcher. Still smells like the essence of dank. I note there is a fishbowl full of darts...Wade shoots me with his hand for some non-apparent reason...Alex declares he is ambidextrous with darts...Matt says "...and he sleeps with guys!"...Wade adds "I can't even masturbate left handed." The pitchers are starting to catch up with us.

Well, I can't. In vino veritas, I guess.

I'm pretty sure there was a "Hello stranger!" joke somewhere in there...

8:50 - Jason does the coffee grinder on the floor of Charley's. He must be drunk.

As long as you're talking to Jason about Taz, also have him tell you about the time he did a handstand in the (now defunct) Silver Bullet bar in Austin. Lost his damn wallet, although someone was nice enough to return it. If I told him one, I told him 1,000 times-- you can do the worm, but NO handstand!

I hope he burns that shirt. Ewwww!

Sorry, Charley... Your bar still sucks.

8:56 - Arrive at Hiawatha Bar. No naked lady photo hunt game on the touch screen. We are not pleased! $5.50 pitcher.

9:00 - Matty sneezes and says, "I'm allergic to dank." We start playing pulltabs. Matt and Wade take my notepad away.

They also had that giant rebound/mini-shuffleboard table game that I have no idea what you actually do with it.

9:01 - (Matt writes/says) "Am I really drunk or are our grandma's up at the bar. Madeline's up there doing shots, she's usually in bed by 9."

That was reeeally funny at the time. Maybe you had to be there to see the blue hair and white cotton pant suits. And SAS shoes, of course.

9:04 - (Matt/Wade write) wadE Blows.

Oh, sorry, that was me.

9:12 - (Matt writes/says) "I'm more full than drunk. Although I'm drunk too."

I heartily concur. Although it was my downfall, it was probably also a blessing.

9:13 - After finding the naked lady photo hunt game on the other machine, we plug a couple of bucks in. Dan, facing the back of the machine, decides to find out what that switch on the back is for. Lo and behold, it's the on/off switch...and we're out a couple of bucks, f-er.

Insert 'neanderthal with a flash camera' joke here.

Politically correct?

9:22 - Bobee Joe's...quiet...very quiet... then the phone rings really loud. Wade promptly answers the ashtray...good lord... he's our driver! Bob Dylan enters the bar...looks at our table, turns around, leaves.

There's a "Lay Lady Lay" joke in there somewhere...

A shot of Bob Dylan later in the evening.
Although he also looks like Ron Jeremy.

9:25 - Pitcher of High Life = $5. We ponder singing some karaoke which starts at 10.

9:26 - Sex Hat Guy and Tranny Change Guy enter the bar. Bartender asks "How you doin'?" Sex Hat Guy responds, "Horseshit!"

"Norm!" "What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?" "Nevermind that, let's talk about what's goin' in Mr. Peterson."

9:28 - Fonzie shows up, asks out table, "What's up with 6 guys sitting with no chicks?" Fonzie continues, "I've got a chick from Austin, she lives in the cities now." Jason engages, "Where's she at?" Fonzie replies, "She's at her mother's, she (the mother) doesn't like me, I gave her (the chick) a hickey." Jason says, "You can give him a hickey!" referring to Matt. Wade says, "I hope you are referring to Matt", then Matt says, "Somebody say my name?"

It really was a beautiful exchange. I giggle just reading it.

We're all about the slapstick. And "cock on the clown" jokes.

9:35 - Jason offers Fonzie a "threesome", meaning in karaoke. Fonzie declines and leaves us alone.

10:10 - After 30 min. of debate, we choose not to sing, and leave. Thankfully we are dropping off the minivan and reconvening at Hardees'. On the way to drop the car off Jason identifies Stryper's "To Hell With The Devil" on the radio...and is proud.

Isaiah 53:5, baby. Oh, this is entertaining.

Jason and I were all set to sing "I'll be there for you" by Bon Jovi, or "What it takes" by Aerosmith. They didn't have either. Their loss, 'cause we were both drunk enough to be highly entertaining.

Looking at Dan reminds me of the scene when Elliot tried to hide E.T. behind all of the stuffed animals.

10:20 - Punched in the dick by Jason...writing in the dark, very illegible.

10:30 - Leaving Hardees'...very full.

Wonder why?


10:50 - Arrive at Bakery. Switch over to Whiskey-Coke's, since the beer has pretty much filled us up. The bartender from the Alaskan is working at the Bakery now...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. A guy from my high school is at the bar...big stud in school, now he's just fat. Why oh why are we not having a 10-year reunion this year!!! Round of 6 drinks, $16.50. Everyone is losing steam fast.

Speak for yourself, sporty. In the immortal words of Tombstone, "I'm in my prime." All due to that synthetic liver I'm using.

I think Wade is spelling ODB with his hands.
I didn't know he was an Ol' Dirty Bastard fan.
I'm not, really. Just don't have enough digits to spell Fifty Cent.

11:10 - Arrive at Rube's...or what used to be Rube's. Now it is apparently called something else. $21.00 for 6 drinks, which again is pretty good for a strip club...and there is actually a non-african-american dancer in the place! I'm intrigued. I decide to saddle up to sniffer's row when she gets on stage. Jason joins me. Jason decides she looked better from across the bar than up close, so he puts his two dollars in front of me and leaves. So I get a face full of stripper titty for a few minutes...amazing, two dollars in the Cities doesn't get you very far. Seems like everything is on a cheaper scale in Austin.

And let's talk about those pours at Rube's. Mine was at least a double, and I had the least amount of alcohol of the six! wadE and I conspired to give Wade the drink that was 95% alcohol - the look on his face after the first drink was priceless.

Smooooth. (barf) I found one of those touch-screen games, in perhaps the only un-dank corner of the bar, and played that pop-a-shot game where all of the players look like Dennis Rodman. Maybe that's why I didn't make a shot. Downgrade Rube's-- they no longer feature the ceramic fish whiskey decanters.

That sign just sums it up.
I'm sure the painters were coming the next day, wadE. Sheesh.

11:30 - We leave Rube's, head to Trader's. There is nothing going on at Traders...and we are all quite rocked after that generous pour at Rube's... Besides, without a band, or karaoke, Trader's is really crappy, more so than most bars in Austin. We decide that the two of the three remaining bars (Thirsty's and The Brown Derby) aren't worth our time. While this throws off the whole "bar crawl" idea... we had already hit 12 bars, and had approximately 16 drinks.

What we missed at Thirsty's... round of drinks, $18. Swordfest of Austin men in their 30's playing pool, real bad music playing.

What we missed at The Brown Derby... round of drinks, $21. Possibility of an attractive nude dancer, greater possibility of Wade getting us tossed out for rolling on the floor laughing.

There's comedy... High comedy... and then seeing men actually *sniffing* in sniffer's row. I don't let myself in there anymore, I don't think the dancers or staff enjoy a drunk George Clooney-looking m'f'er laughing and slapping his knee during the, uh, show.

What we missed in transit to the two... Dan smoking, the rest of us being real dumb.

11:35 - Arrive at Margaritaville, our unofficial last stop on the crawl. As we enter a table full of skanky ladies give us the look. We settle into our favorite circle booth with the thatched roof, which is oddly always available.

Like I said last year, it's reserved for out-of-town jackholes like us.

11:50 - 5 drinks (someone from the group had more than enough at this point), no idea what the cost was. I notice that I smell like stripper. Wade and Jason head directly for the jukebox, this comes as no surprise.

We're poets, and Steppenwolf is our muse.

I was only feeling moderately drunk... it was more the sense that I was on the verge of a trip to the hospital for stomach distention that took me out of the game.

12:00 - An Hispanic fellow in a very colorful Spiderman button-down shirt approaches the "skanky" ladies who are continuing to give us the eye. Jason theorizes his pickup line is, "Te gusta Spiderman?"

AN hispanic fellow? Oh wadE... *shakes head*

Gotta agree with Al, there. *AN* historic dork, wadE Van House. By the by, we abandoned the "Spiderman" line of jokes when a friend of the shirt's owner gave us a "look."

12:10 - A new group of girls that I would classify as "Farm Girls" show up and occupy the two booths next to the skanky ladies. Both groups are now giving us the eye, which isn't too surprising considering we're the best looking guys in the joint (except for Afroman), and we're easily the best dressed (no FUBU gear, no oil stain on our "Big Johnson" T-shirt or our NASCAR T-shirt, we're not wearing foamy meshback hats, and we aren't wearing Spiderman button-down shirts).

I thought that last point was going against us.

I was gonna hit on some ladies, then I got high. HEY HEYYYY!

(I saw this guy puking outside at about 10 minutes before 1AM)

12:15 - An ice fight has started between our booth and the Farm Girls. The ice fight intensifies and slows down. In the meantime a representative of the Skanky Ladies comes over to our table. They try to talk us into going to the new dance club in town. New dance club??? And I quote, "It's a mexican bar just down the street, they've got a really big dance floor, but there is an eight dollar cover." Eight dollar cover...in Austin?!?!?! She must be kidding. From her description of where it's at, I realize it is the old Righty's. If they tore out all the tables, pinball machines, dart machines, and pool tables, they would have a pretty sizable dance floor. Since the Silver Bullet closed down there has been a serious lack of dance clubs in town, but a place called El Palacio De Cumbia with an eight dollar cover just doesn't sound like a place I want to go.

The girl says that the unofficial name of the bar is "Knife Fighters." Don't think she's joking. Don't think I want to find out.

12:30The Skanky Ladies have left and returned. One of them thinks Matt is really cute, and her friend convinces Matt...ok, we convince Matt, to go over and entertain them. Poor Matt...

Poor Matt, indeed.

12:45 - The Farm Girls make their move and a group of them attack our booth. Literally. One of them puts Wade in a headlock, twice! Then her and another hop over the back of the booth next to me. Yet another starts telling us that it's her birthday and that we should buy her a drink or some such nonsense. The fourth plays it cool...I think she was interested in Alex, but he was in no mood to be playful by this time of night. I ask the girls who hopped in next to me why they hopped over the back, and with the way they sat across the corner of the table from me I sarcastically asked if they were looking to arm wrestle. Big mistake...never challenge a farm girl to any feats of strength. So before I know it I'm arm wrestling the first one. While arm wrestling Wade spills his drink all over the table (what the hell was he doing still drinking anyway?), I'm distracted, but use my free arm to create a dam and force the rushing whiskey-Coke to the corner of the table away from me, and off the end of the table.

Yeah, yeah, big one-time Physics major making a dam with his arm. (golf clap.)

Insert your own dike joke here.
I recover my composure and crush my opponent. Her friend decides to go next. She provides a much bigger challenge, as I struggle to finish her off she tells her friend to distract me. Her friend decides to give my ear an enema with her tongue. I maintain focus though, and crush my second opponent. One word: Ewwwwwww!

A horrible re-enactment for the camaras.

By this point I had found the candy machine that sold Skittles. Mmmmmm, Skittles...


1:00 - Magically another round of drinks have appeared at the table, and the beauty of Austin is that they don't kick you out right at 1:00. So we finish our drinks and I ask Jason if it's possible to have syphilis in my ear.

I hear they got a shot for that now. Clears it right up.

1:05 - We finally leave Margaritaville...far too drunk for our own good. The farm girls ask for our number because they need to drop off a couple of friends and then want to come back and hang out with us. I quickly rattle off a cell phone number. Jason says, "You idiot, why did you give them your cell phone number?" I tell him, "That wasn't my number."

I wish I could remember what the number was that you gave them. I'd like to do a little investigation and find out who they woke up at 1AM looking for you.

1:10 - We begin the walk home... very foggy... no, the air is clear, my memory is not...and I seem to have stopped writing in my diary, but there is something about Wade walking and peeing at the same time.

He was also rubbing his head, patting his belly, and chewing gum.

I'm the master of multi-tasking.

Wow...so there you have it. Not a complete bar crawl, but I don't think we could have had a better time.

As for the next day. Alex walked the extra 3 blocks to his house, Wade decided to head home as well, so they missed out on a phat breakfast courtesy of my mom. Jason, Dan, Matt, and I recovered by eating breakfast and watching VH1. The added bonus is that we now know how to talk like Snoop, for shnizzle!

Something about my own bed. If I'd have known Al was leaving I might have stayed, I don't trust passing out on the floor with him around. It's a long story.

Around 11-ish we finally get our shnizzle together and get back on the road. A funny thing happened... the day before Matt, Dan, and I were sitting in the backyard waiting for the rest of the guys to show up, and I was looking at the tires on my car (specifically the rear passenger one). I said, "I wonder if it's about time to get new tires." Let's say I was right... on I-35W crossing the Minnesota River bridge, I had a massive blowout, on the rear passenger tire. I felt the car start shaking, so I turned down the music and there was a loud noise, then a big bang. I looked in the rearview mirror just in time to see a cloud of blue smoke and then there was an instant smell of burnt rubber.

And I lived to tell the tale...

Good times...

A perfect way to end a perfect weekend of debauchery. Thanks to everyone for making the 3rd Annual Austin Bar Crawl a great time. Especially to Jason's, Wade's, and my parents for putting up with all of us at different points during the weekend. Without a doubt we'll be back next year...assuming we all get our liver transplants.

Good times... although I think we may need to modify the format for year four. Maybe only go to the bars where we can get a round of six drinks for under $8. Oh wait, that doesn't cut it down at all...

Did anyone throw up this year? I think we may finally be getting the hang of this thing.

- 07/23/2003


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