Diary of the 2nd Annual Austin Bar Crawl

- wadE, Wade, Alex

Before I begin with the Diary from this years ABC (Austin Bar Crawl), some quick background. For those of you who don't know, we here at SP all hail from the same small midwestern town: Austin, Minnesota. It's the home of SPAM, John Madden, and many other useless fatty things. Early last year (2001) the notion was put forth that a bar crawl of Austin (that is, going to each and every bar in our hometown and having one drink) would be a helluva good time. After much research and planning, the first ABC occured in late July of 2001. The decision was made to limit the crawl to those establishments that were truly bars...not bars and restauants. Therefore a place like Applebees would not be included, nor the Sportt's Bar and Grill, etc. This was a good choice because this lowered the total number of places from over 20 down to 16. The particpants were both Austin natives and various friends... Wade, Jason, Matty, J. Matt, Dan, and yours truly. A good time was had by all... until the next morning when we awoke at my parents house to what looked like a war zone. There were bodies everywhere...most of them groaning in agony.
After a few days of recovery and reflection it was decided that so much fun was had, a repeat visit would need to occur...thus I welcome you to the diary of the 2nd Annual Austin Bar Crawl!!!

Alex and Wade will be adding some thoughts of their own as we take a look back at the diary.

I'd just like to add my own initial thoughts. As co-originator of the Bar Crawl idea (along with the Fabulous Matt Faber), I was more than a little put out that the 1st one went off without my presence. Thus rolling into town on Friday night, I was fairly hyped to get the action underway. Sure enough, starting with dinner at the Sportt's Bar, we four Austinites (the three of us and Jason) were in rare form, riffing on everything from how cows could roll downhill to wadE's ketchup fetish to many of our old high school jokes. wadE even ate the infamous Sumo Burger (ask to see his t-shirt). My apetite for the Bar Crawl action was thus whetted...

6:00 Saturday Night in Austin - This years participants have gathered at Wade's parents house (L-R above: Matty, Jason, Alex, wadE, Wade, and Dan). At this point in the day we have already golfed in the morning, had a huge BBQ, and engaged in some hot softball homerun derby action. It is a blistering 93 degrees outside...just perfect weather for a group of dehydrated fools embarking on an evening of binge drinking!

Hot BBQ Action!

I don't really think 93 captures how hot it was. It was one of those rare occassions when it was both the heat AND the humidity. Perfect day to do lots of physical activity (golf, home run derby) followed by heavy alcohol consumption. I assumed one of us was going to die. No one did, although Dan looked a bit peekid during home run derby.

6:05 - We are underway on the Bar Crawl. Wade's parents were kind/foolish enough to let us borrow their minivan so we could all travel in one vehicle. We are en route to the Mapleview Lounge.

6:06 - First near-collision of the night, Wade narrowly avoids running over a bird on the road.

Look. The bird ran out in front of me. Just what I need, PETA picketing outside my front door.

Yeah, you'd have to change your name to Wade Picker.

6:10 - Arrive at Mapleview Lounge. The Mapleview Lounge is in the village of Mapleview which is sort of like a suburb of Austin...if a town of 24,000 could possibly have a suburb. The bar is a cinder-block shack with about 400 sq. ft. of bar space and an On and Off Sale license. My personal favorite memory was going to this bar after a softball tournament with the Bahl family and watching people blow their paychecks on pull-tabs...leaving only a 3 foot tall pyramid of their hopes and dreams, in the form of spent pull-tabs, on the floor. Translation: this place is a sad sad shithole.

Sad, perhaps. But the perfect kickoff spot for the bar crawl. Mapleview Lounge is your prototypical southern MN bar: concrete, posters simultaneously featuring deer and cans of beer, cheap alcohol, and people who look kinda scary but are generally good folks. Mapleview Lounge is the "dip your toe in to get used to the water" of the ABC.

Ahh Mapleview... I used to work just across the street from here. A subtle distinction, but one that keeps me from thinking that I went to Mapleview every day for three years. However, for me, Mapleview's claim to fame will be local constable F. Miller. The "F" was a hot topic of debate in high school - Aaron Lang insisted that it stood for "Frosty" after being pulled over for going 31. Mr. Frosty is the inspiration for the moniker of the Mapleview Enforcers - currently the best fantasy baseball team in our universe. Heh. I actually didn't think this bar was that bad though. Perhaps it has a different feel out of the daylight...

6:11 - Matty promptly breaks the seal before having his first beer (this is the first of about 5000 trips he will make to the bathroom during the course of the evening).

Admittedly, I made about as many trips to the water closet as Matt. I believe I officially drank a metric ton of water before the crawl.

6:21 - First round of beers is consumed while listening to an old Bon Jovi song followed by Mambo No. 5. Pretty good crowd for this place (20 people or so). Some woman named Linda is having her 50th b-day party. She must be so proud to spend her golden birthday in the Mapleview Lounge. We also notice we are the only people in the bar without a tatoo. Round of 6 beers = 6 dollars. Tremendous liquor value!

Honestly-- I think they were giving out tattoos at the door.

This is what just one Austin bar will do to you!

6:34 - Arrive at Twister Lounge. The Twister is new to the crawl this year, replacing the Windrift Lounge since the Windrift was more of a restuarant and strangely enough was dubbed "too nice" for the bar crawl. The Twister Lounge is connected to the local bowling alley. There was some debate over whether or not to add it, but with the removal of the Windrift, we felt we needed to add one back. Interesting side note: the Twister got it's name from when the original lounge was destroyed by a tornado (insert your own "small hick town" joke here).

My argument for the inclusion of the Lounge is that it has its own door. One need not enter the alley at all to obtain a drink. If it had business hours separate from bowling, that'd be even better, but life's not perfect.

6:36 - The Twister Lounge is closed for the summer...I guess the summer is low season for bowling... who knew!

The reason that I was given was that the bar was "technically" closed for the summer. Not certain what that really means. Don't think I want to know.

6:40 - Arrive at Danny's. Danny's was the unanimous choice as the biggest shithole for the 2001 ABC. The place has been described as "if someone took their house and turned half of it into a bar". Half of Danny's looks like the basement of someone's house from the 70's. Pool table, lounge chairs, tables, etc. The other half has a bar and picnic tables...yes, that's right, picnic tables. Those old wood and metal picnic tables you see at parks but with nasty plastic table covers with cigarette burns on them. Danny's has a cement floor with part of the place covered in carpet that has been duct taped to the floor. The whole place is covered with a layer of dirt/grime/grease. This place even has one of those old cigarette machines from the 70's...weren't those banned?

Oddly enough the last place I can remember seeing one of those cigarette machines was the bowling alley in Austin. No idea if it's still there or not.

On the 2001 ABC when we entered Danny's we were greated with stares from men in overalls and wifebeaters giving us this "Your kind ain't welcome here boy!" look. Danny himself was behind the bar, pouring himself glasses full of whiskey. He didn't give us the warmest welcome we've ever had either. Admittedly, we were VERY out of place. A group of six college graduates in Danny's bar broke the previous record by seven (ba-doom-boom-crash!) However, the best feature of Danny's bar is the bathroom. When you walk into the men's bathroom there is stall door immediately on your right...with a large square hole cut in the door at head-level giving you a perfect view of the toilet...and a perfect view of anyone doing their business on aforementioned toilet.

Anyway, this year we are all shocked to see an attractive girl leaving Danny's on our way inside, and instead of a drunken Danny behind the bar to welcome us there is a nice looking girl with a yellow tube top. ??? Halfway through our beers yet another attractive girl comes into the bar to chat with the bartender...all of us are secretly hope they will start kissing...oh oh, the beer is already starting to kick in. We better move on before we get ourseleves into trouble.

It was surprisingly un-dank in Danny's this year. Which is odd-- when I was telling locals about the crawl and that Danny's was on the list, everyone was relieved to hear that we were going there in the daylight. Maybe it's a Bret Saberhagen-like "good one year, crappy the next." Time will tell.

A quick note about Austin: Sooner or later everything in town is known by the name of the place that used to be there. For example, I know "Danny's" as either "Harter's Hideaway", or "The Pub". Prior to Saturday night I couldn't have told you the location of Danny's, but I could have given great directions to either of those non-existant places. Phrases like "the old K-Mart" or "the old Red Owl" are perfectly legitimate indicators of place. This should give you some idea of how many people never make it out of Austin. This whole thing should also give you an idea of the rate of alcoholism in the town. I'd love to see a study on it... as kids we had the number for "The Pub" memorized in case we need to call our parents for something. Heh.

It doesn't get any danker than this...

6:57 - Arrive at the B&J Bar. The B&J received the prestigous "Nicest Bar" award on the 2001 ABC. It's going to be a lock again this year. Unlike most Austin bars, the B&J is clean, has good seating (at the bar, at tables, and booths), and looks like a normal bar (normal bar posters on the wall, (not any of those plastic banners that are made to be displayed outside), trophies and plaques from softball tournaments, etc.) Also the B&J took the prize last year for cheapest round: Round of 6 beers = $4.50

PLUS, THE NAME IS B&J! GET IT?!?! IT'S... nevermind.

6:59 - Miscommunication between Jason and the waitress...we get bottles instead of tap beer... $15. Ouch!

For the record, I never heard Jason say the word "bottle". Of course, he also never said the word "glasses" or "tap" either. That's what he gets for using a 5-syllable word like "individuals" in Austin.

But the beer was Grain Belt Premium. So it was worth it either way. Right?

7:05 - While watching the Twins game Alex comes up with the first quote of the night: "(Twins pitcher) Matt Kinney looks like one of my ex-girlfriends". The group takes 3 seconds to process this statement, and we all immediately fall out of our chairs in laughter.

Matt Kinney is even ugly for a guy.

That's a bad picture of him. I'm just saying...

Ok, I'll spare the poor girl from embarassment of this whole discussion other than to say it's something in the eyes, so she didn't have a goatee or anything... Has anyone seen my foot? I seem to also be holding a shotgun... I'll shut up now.

7:09 - 15 minutes after I was doing a Seinfeld Steinbrenner impersonation of "Heartbreaker", Pat Benetar whips up on the jukebox and I can't identify the song...only 3 beers in, this could get ugly.

7:15 - Dan, reaching for a paper table display with a half naked man drinking a Bud, knocks over a beer and spills it on me. If Dan is fumbling this early in the crawl, we are really in for a rough night!

In Dan's defense, the guy on the display was much better looking than Matt Kinney. However, why Dan so forcefully lunged to grab the display is still up for questioning. Three bars, three trips to the bathroom. Maybe next year's ABC can chronicle the best and worst bathrooms. B&J gets about a B-. It's clean, and has some interesting wallpaper borders at the top of the wall, but it's a one-person-at-a-time kind of bathroom. Although maybe that's not so bad.

The "BJ BAR"...what more can you say?

7:19 - Arrive at Smitty's Tavern. Smitty is shitty. On the 2001 ABC, Smitty was so drunk he followed us outside when we left and asked what us young whipper snappers were up do. Jason said, "We're on a bar crawl of Austin"; to which Smitty replied, "We are?".

7:20 - 7:37 - We are terrorized by Smitty. Seeing we are the youngest people who have come into his bar in his memory (which at this point is probably 3 hours long) Smitty can't resist chatting it up with the young'uns. He comes over and begins to talk to us...most of it unintelligible. Already his wife, behind the bar, is rolling her eyes at Smitty. Smitty runs back behind the bar to fetch his Budweiser racing stein of beer. When he comes back to our table he sneaks up behind Dan, getting his face right next to Dan's head. When we all start laughing Dan turns to look and comes cheek to cheek with Smitty. Priceless! After a quick toast with Smitty, Wade gets up to go to the bathroom...Smitty starts running after him, chasing him down at the bathroom door when Wade finally notices he has a drunken old man chasing him. We are delirious with laughter.

Not good times. Bad times. Nothing like a drunken, scrawny old man chasing you (unbeknownst) prior to watering the lillies. Oh, the Smitty's bathroom gets an A-. It's not that great, but it's got the most interesting feature-- there's one sink, and it's outside both the men's and women's. I guess that's not really an issue as most people going to these kind of places don't even bother with a courtesy wash, much less scrubbing.

I was walking a fine line with Smitty... definitely wanting to encourage him, but not especially wanting to experience any sort of interaction with him. So I laughed... rather uncontrollably, I must admit... but I refused to make eye contact. I guess I sorta treated him like a wild animal. Don't show fear, don't look combative, try not to smell like food...

Smitty thanks us for letting him have fun with us and insists on getting us another round on him. After each person finishes a beer, he grabs the glass and takes off behind the bar. When it is finally time to leave, Smitty follows us outside to pose for some pictures. He warns us repeatedly to drive carefully, and after we've piled into the minivan, Smitty guides us out of his parking lot like he was guiding out an airplane. Good times. Round of 6 beers = $8.10

Who's that drunk old man hiding...it's Smitty! It's Smitty!

Smitty even set me up with a Diet Coke, seeing as I was still pilot of the drunk bus. I really believe that he would have let us drink for free if we had stayed there. Not that that would have been a good thing. As Smitty was bidding us a fond farewell, he told us that he "hadn't gotten any nookie for a long time." There was dead silence in the van for two seconds, until someone replied "You've got the wrong van, Smitty." Odds on him remembering us next year? More realistically, odds on him remembering us at 7:40?

Ok...take it back...take it *hiccup* back...

Good grief, is that what he said? I didn't catch it at first. Hey Smitty - I haven't gotten any nookie for a long time. Good luck, pal. He must have been shitty... why else would you say that to a group of men? Unless McEathron was giving him that shy smile of his... hah. Or maybe he wanted us to give incredibly positive testimonials about what a fun time we had in his bar in the hopes that more fly chicas would come his way. Ok, I'm rambling...

Drive man...DRIVE!!!!!

7:40 (East side bars) - We arrive at the first of four bars known as "the east side bars"...basically because they are east of downtown...the people of Austin are simple folk.

7:43 - Arrive at Lefty's bar. My turn to buy a round. 6 beers = $7.50.

More on the "simple folk" angle. Up until 2000, there was also a bar named Righty's.

And, no, they were not right next to each other.

I'm pretty sure I heard you grumbling about McEathron getting away with buying a cheaper round...

8:00 - After I derided Dan for wanting to play pull tabs, he wins $150 on his last pull tab. The group goes wild!

Matty and I decided to play a round of Golden Tee-- not because we particularly care for the game, but we were more interested in angering wadE. See here. Okay, that's not really why we did it, but it's fun to say.

I was secretly hoping for one of you to catch a loose screw like wadE describes therein so we could rank it up there with wadE's shoulder separation story for dumbest drunken injury.

Awww Yeah! Hot Pulltab Action!!!

8:07 - Arrive at Charley's Lounge. The place is dead. About 6 people in the whole place. The usual happy hour crockpot is sitting out. On the 2001 ABC there was fish in the crockpot. This year it is BBQ hot dogs. Needless to say, none of us partake in the happy hour food.

Happy hour crockpot? Why doesn't anyone point these things out to me? I must have been peeing... and for that matter, what are the odds on seeing a crockpot in Minnesota that doesn't contain some kind of hotdish? And in Austin, make it "Tater Tot Hotdish".

8:09 - Someone notices ENYA is playing on the jukebox.

8:12 - Next quotes of the night. Matt says, "Does it smell like dead fish in here or is it just me?"; to which Dan replies, "No, it's the essence of dank."

8:16 - Wade realizes the garlic bread we bought for the BBQ earlier in the day is still on the grill back at home.

My dad found it the next day. He said he tried to rip it apart for the birds but it was basically impenetrable. Oooops. Don't think any of us went home hungry, though.

Things are starting to get a little out of hand...I'm looking right at you Jason!

8:22 - Arrive at the Hiawatha Bar. 6 beers = $6

8:23 - 8:46 - Wade, Jason, Alex, and I play the naked lady photo hunt game. The Hiawatha is a very dark bar, the crowd is an average of 45 years old, and basically it has no redeeming value whatsoever. Let's move on.

Move on? Without touting our team excellence in the naked lady photo hunt game? We nearly got, oh, halfway to the top score. I'm guessing the top score is held by a man who has never actually seen a human breast.

Ok... "NOW" things are starting to get out of hand.

8:47 - Arrive at Bobbee Jo's. 1 pitcher = 6 beers = $5...served to us by someone who is a big LPGA fan, wink-wink.

Are you trying to say the bartender embraces an alternative sexual lifestyle? I would have described her more as a Harley chick. The big tattoo and Johnny Unitas haircut were freakin' me out...

8:57 - Local celebrity Chad Apold shows up. Wade and Jason know Chad well and they insist we stay and listen to his band play for a bit.

Yeeeeaahahahaha. (That's our impression for Chad. Chad has never said "Yeeeaahahahaha" but it's become our impression of him nonetheless. Kinda like how wadE has never said "Oh biiitch." Don't ask.)

Oh, and speaking of local celebs, Fonzie was there. Fonzie is one of those people who is known by everyone in Austin. Kinda like Danny Stephani. Maybe you need to be from Austin to care.

9:02 - A bachelorette party rolls into Bobbee Jo's. I recognized several people in the party from high school. They seem to be eyeing us up as well. That really isn't a surprise considering again we are the only people in the place under 35, with sleeves on our shirts, and without a big nasty tatoo somewhere.

Yeah, we reeeealy scream "not from town." Which is ironic, since 4/6ths of us are from town. There's a definite difference, though, between us and the people our age who stayed in town. Hard to quantify, but a difference.

9:20 - The bachelorette party comes over to us. Jason and I "suck for a buck". The ladies also are on a scavanger hunt and are looking for men's thong underwear. Jason tells them he is wearing his dad's underwear. When he tells them that he is serious, they lose interest fast. We leave shortly thereafter.

I also obtained a life saver at the cost of one dollar which I was allowed to procure with my teeth. Oh, the excitement. I think you're shortchanging the beauty of Jason's line, though. He and I are standing there, and one of the women, without a word of announcement, holds a card in our faces that says "Get a thong off a guy - 25 points." I have absolutely no idea what to say to this. The only thing I can think of is "I'm wearing boxers", but it doesn't quite seem like something I want to say. At which point Jason steps forward and yells (yells, mind you) "Actually, I'm wearin' my dad's underwear!" To me, this implies that Jason's dad would never wear a thong, but that Jason might, except that he's for some reason wearing his dad's underwear today. Now I know it's because he didn't pack enough pairs, but this girl doesn't. She walks away. Wise move on her part. By the way, what are the odds on Jason's dad's underwear being the whitey-tighties?

Apparently it's always Christmas-time at Bobee Jo's!

9:30 - Arrive at my parents house...we are responsible drunkards, so we drop off the minivan and walk downtown.

Aaaaah. I can finally embrace irresponsibility.

9:50 - Arrive at Hardee's. Although 7 hours earlier we all vowed we would never need to eat again, we stop off at Hardee's to get some grease to prepare for the final stretch. At this point we are almost 4 hours into the bar crawl and we have been to 8 bars, with 7 more to go. If the bar crawl has occured as little as 2 years earlier we would have had 10 more bars to vist, but sadly Spanky's, Righty's, and the Silver Bullet have all closed down. At this point though, it is probably a blessing as we are filling up fast on beer.

I didn't think we'd be served at Hardee's, since the sign outside the door said they closed at "12 p.m." on Saturday, and it was nearly ten hours after that. They must've been cleaning or something, 'cause the door was open and they let us in. It was my first meal there since freshman year of high school, when I went there EVERY day for lunch. That explains a lot about me, if you've ever seen high school pictures of me. This Hardee's is also the home of "Jerry from Hardee's," another local celeb.

10:00 - Jason farts while all six of us are crammed in a booth...prompting Dan to say, "I'm gonna do a "Hey Kool-Aid Man" through this window!" ...maybe you just had to be here...

I think you might have had to be there-- because it makes me laugh like a schoolgirl in my cube at work. My co-workers are used to staring over at me when I do this. As we leave, the two employees light up a smoke. That's nice.

I'm giggling, but only because I'm picturing Dan with a giant smiley face painted on his belly and talking like Fat Albert... which is only marginally related to the Kool-Aid Man, but that's how my brain works.

10:05 - On the road again...

Sing it with me, Shrek!

Hmm hmm hmm hmm-hmm!

10:10 - Arrive at the Alaskan (For the locals, the Alaskan used to be The Cavern). The Alaskan is a strange place. It has deer and moose heads on the walls, is owned by this hippie looking guy, and serves serious german beer. I'm shocked a place like this can exist in Austin. At the 2001 ABC we made the mistake of ordering whalebones filled with german beer...not a good choice for a bar crawl. The general consensus of the group is that it is time to switch to cocktails...so, 6 whiskey-cokes = $15.

Thank god. There's only so much Bud Light I can drink before I go on a murderous rampage... or vomit copiously. One of the two.

We run into this guy Bill, a fellow class of '94 alum, playing pool. Jason has some pretty good stories about what people would do to Bill in the shower after hockey games. Bill is.. hmm.. Emmanuel Lewis-esque. Nice enough guy, although I did notice he was sporting a "I hope to get crappie on my day off" shirt. Speaking of fashion, a man at the bar is wearing a foamy meshback tank top.

That place.......sucked!

10:23 - Arrive at The Bakery. The Bakery is cleverly named since it used to be the site of the Austin Bakery. Interestingly, the only two attractive women at the Alaskan have followed us to The Bakery. A few of the guys begin to flirt. I'm far too busy looking across the bar and trying not to laugh. In the bar is a group of girls I recognize from high school. One of them was the classic "head of the cheerleading squad" hot girl who as my mom would say "thinks her shit doesn't stink". Now she's put on some pounds, looks as used and abused as Anna Nicole Smith. I'm trying not to stare, but it's like an accident, you can't help but look. Being the moderately bitter person I am, my spirits are immediately lifted by the site of a downtrodden popular girl from high school. Life is good! 6 whiskey cokes = $16.50

While not quite as bitter as my nicely-named colleague from Minnetonka, I must say that it is sorta funny to see the cheerleader who everyone thought was "miss thang" smoking, drinking Schmidt's, and made up like Tammy Faye Baker. It just shows how poorly high school does as a predictor of real life.

Many people in Austin refuse to give up on the "Big Hair" look. It's frightening.

For my part, I was watching the women from the Alaskan play the naked man photo hunt game. Way easier than the naked woman version. Although since the men were harder to alter, you might say they were getting ripped off, since to win they wouldn't spend much time looking at the guys at all. I had a fun internal debate on just exactly what degree of greasy they'd rate me if I offered them game playing advice. Eventually the alcohol won out and I offered a tip. They smiled and thanked me. I don't understand women.

NOTE: Jason is trying to spell "blood" with his fingers...don't ask.

10:45 - Arrive at Hey Rube's! Hey Rube's is a strip club, one of two in Austin. Shorly after we arrive the same two girls who followed us to The Bakery walk in...they make it halfway down the bar, see a black woman naked on stage, immediately turn around and walk right back out. Next to a drunken Smitty, that was the funniest moment of the night. My turn to buy again...6 whiskey cokes = $24. A bit of a stinger, but it is a strip club. You usually need a 2nd mortgage to buy 6 drinks at most strip clubs, so overall not bad....which is something I can't say for the "entertainment".

Dan decides that since he now has $150 in disposable income that he didn't have at the start of the night that he should patronize the "entertainment". None of us join him. Dan comes back to say "She should have paid me ten bucks to watch that".

I believe this may have been the dankest place of the evening. The only worthwhile part of this bar is the collection of ceramic Jim Beam containers lining the back wall. They had several in the shape of lake trout.

11:10 - Arrive at Margaritaville. Margaritaville is home to my favorite place to sit in drink. They have a 3/4 circle booth with a thatch roof over it in the bar. I just can't believe that every time I go there nobody is sitting in that booth! Also, there seems to be some strange segregation going on in the bar. The back of the bar with the pool tables has about two dozen black men and women, while the front half of the bar has about 2 dozen white men and women. Some groups in Austin will never mingle. 6 whiskey cokes = $15

I think they reserve that booth for yahoos like us who know that they're going to look out of place, no matter what.

11:27 - Jason sinks a few bucks into the jukebox. Halfway through his first song, "Shout At The Devil", the back half of the bar empties. A few minutes later Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" comes on. The bar bursts into song... "BAH BAH BAH!"...

Lord. Needless to say, the more "urban" inhabitants of Margaritaville high-tailed it for the door.

11:37 - Arrive at Trader's (The Bar Formerly Known As Park Plaza). On the 2001 ABC, Wade and Jason chatted with the band that was playing at this bar and talked them into letting Jason and Wade play a couple songs. Their version of La Bamba brought the house down. This time around it was karaoke night. After a couple of country songs, we couldn't take much more so Wade and Jason put in a request. Two songs later "Wade and Dick" were called up front. They did a fabulous job on Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn". I think I heard crickets chirping when they were done. Definitely a country crowd at Trader's. At this point I'm far too drunk to write down the price of drinks... I think it's safe to assume somewhere between $15 and $20.

Such a good performance, too. C.C. DeVille was rolling over in his grave. I know he's not dead yet, but I'm just assuming he's in a grave somewhere.

12:10 - Arrive at Thirsty's. Half of the town is in the bar (at least this explains why all the other bars were so empty all night). Run into several people from high school. (NOTE: Diary is becoming increasingly illegible.)

I think Thirsty's was the top bar on the crawl. Probably because the volume of people, plus seeing the most people that I knew. This is also the bar where Jason whacked me in the groin with his microphone during our karaoke version of Firehouse's "Love of a Lifetime" last December. While painful, the funny sound that came out of the speakers (BOOOOOM) made it worthwhile.

12:30 - Arrive at The Brown Derby to offically finish the bar crawl. The Brown Derby is the other strip club in Austin. The "entertainment" at the Derby is generally of a high quality than that at Rube's. The ladies are quick to close in on the "fresh meat" in the place.

I definitely got my ass grabbed... which was impressive seeing as how I was pretty firmly seated at the time... I just went with the Smitty plan from there on out. Avoid eye contact, look as uninterested as possible (which was pretty damn uninterested). I gave a lot of love to my drink, though...

I stayed at Thirsty's and watched the bartender get in a Jagermeister drinking contest with a friend of his. The bartender was working at the time. Is there a law about this somewhere?

12:45 - Back at Thirsty's...one of our high school friends' girlfriends keeps flashing her tits to everyone. Quite amusing.

1:00 - The bars have mercilessly closed.

And it truly was 1:00, if not a little after. Most places in the Twin Cities turn up the "ugly lights" and give you the shakedown if you're not out by 12:45.

Could we have picked a bigger blank wall for our final picture of the night?

1:10 - We begin the walk..er, stumble home.

1:15 - Dan steals a sign from Hardees' while shirtless...I repeat, shirtless. A girl working there yells at him. He promply and courteously returns the sign.

I missed that. Did he do any Kool-Aid man impressions?

I couldn't believe it. I think it was just too hot. Dan had sweat out all of his hellraising.

1:20 - Arrive back at parents house.

1:35 - Pass out...

The next morning all of us were doing remarkably well except for Matty...he was awfully quiet during breakfast. Jason was helped by the fact he got up at 2 AM and hurled his guts out. As for the rest of us...our livers took the brunt of the damage. As soon as we all get liver transplants we'll be back next year!!!

A quick recap:
Nicest bar: The B&J - clean (which counts for a lot in Austin), good seating, most "normal" bar
Worst bar: In an upset... The Alaskan - the intense smoke, the bad crowd, the bad atmosphere... just edged out Danny's
Cheapest rount: Again, in an upset... Bobbee Jo's - $5 for a pitcher that gave us 6+ beers... beats out the B&J due to poor ordering by Jason
Best naked women: Yet another upset... Thirsty's - Girl flashing boobs was far better than any of the "talent" at Hey Rube's and The Brown Derby.

It was a bit scary to me that I could consume 16 alcoholic beverages in one night and wake up without a hangover. That's why we're born with two livers, right? Anyway, a good time was had by all. I love traditions like this, although I'm not so sure how many years our bodies will be able to withstand the current activities. Who knows, in ten years we'll probably just stay at one place all night. Maybe it'll be Smitty's, assuming he lives. No matter what, though, we'll attempt to embrace our youth and next year... we'll get back up and we'll do it all over again.

I had a bit of a hangover, but certainly not anything like I would have expected... I think the 48,000 calories from the BBQ helped out. I was fine after I shaved my tongue... Next year I'm gonna have to remember not to sleep on a loveseat, though. My shoulders are still cranky with me... and now there's nothing left to be said.

- 07/16/2002

This site and all its contents are the property of simpleprop.com.
If you have questions or comments, please click here.
Our legal statements can be found here.