The Wondeful World Of Prescription Drugs!

- wadE

My back has been killin' me for awhile. Trying to sleep during my weekly trips to and from LA, along with the shitty beds at the Hyatt, has not been good for my back. A couple weeks ago I made my final trip out there, but the damage had been done. A week and a half ago I was at the gym doing some bench presses when my back made this sound that was a combination of a squish and a crunch. It hurt...but it didn't hurt all that bad. However, after a week of taking it easy when I went back to the gym I couldn't do any bench presses...I couldn't even do sit-ups. It was time to see the doctor.

When I called they told me I couldn't get in to see my doctor until Aug. 15 (which was about 3 weeks away!). Don't ever get an HMO...they suck! I told them I couldn't wait and that I would see any doctor they had. Two days later I was off to the doctor's office.

Good news: nothing serious...no broken ribs, no punctured lung, yadda yadda yadda. No shit doc...I'm not bending over in pain, it's just "uncomfortable". Bad news: there is a lot of swelling in the back, looks like I tore a muscle. Take this prescription for a couple of weeks, and you should be all set!

Hey, that sounded great...good excuse not to lift anything heavy for the next two weeks (insert your own "need help going to the bathroom" joke here). So I'm off to Target to get my pills.

Generic Name: NAPROXEN

Common Uses: This medicine is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) used to relieve the symptoms of arthritis. It is also used to relieve pain and to threat other conditions as determined by your doctor.

Ok, that's sounds fine. Seems a little heavy-handed to use a serious arthritis drug, but hey, I'm gettin' old!

How To Use This Medicine: Follow the directions for using this medicine provided by your doctor. Take this medicine with food or milk and a full glass (8 oz./240 mL) of water. DO NOT lie down for 30 minutes after taking this medicine. Store this medicine as room temperature, away from heat and light. If you miss a dose of this medicine, take it as soon as possible. If it is almost time for your next dose, skip the missed dose and go back to your regular dosing schedule. Do not take 2 doses at once.

Wait a second...what's the deal here with no laying down for 30 minutes? That's pretty weird. That part is emphasized with a capital "DO NOT", while "Do not take 2 doses at once" isn't? You would think that taking a double dose would be a bigger deal than taking a quick nap...but I guess not.

Oh, and is there anything on the planet (besides some plants) that you should keep near heat and light? Is there anything that says on the packaging: "Store as close to a light bulb as possible...halogen lamps are best!"

Cautions: Do not take this medicine if you ever had any unusual or allergic reaction to aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen, or any other medicine used to treat pain, fever, swelling, or arthritis.

Well that makes sense, if you are allergic to naproxen, you shouldn't take naproxen...and it's an anti-inflammatory like aspirin and ibuprofen...ok...I'm with you!

Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else the could be dangerous until you know how you react to this medicine. Using this medicine alone, with other medicines, or with alcohol may lessen your ability to drive or to perform other potentially dangerous tasks.

Sweet...so I'm gonna get a buzz off this stuff then?

This medicine may cause stomach bleeding. If you drink alcohol on a daily basis, do not take this medicine without first discussing it with your doctor. Alcohol use combined with this medicine may increase your risk for stomach bleeding.

Whoa! Hey, that's not cool. Cut out the drinkin' for 2 weeks...in the middle of summer? Well...stomach bleeding isn't all bad right? And besides, I don't drink alcohol on a daily basis...unless you average all my drinks out over the whole week. Ok, I think I might risk this one...besides, this is just under the caution section, it's like a yellow light...I'm still safe.

Before you begin taking any new medicine, either prescription or over-the-counter, check with your doctor or pharmacist. this includes any medicine that contains aspirin or other non-prescription pain relievers. For Women: This medicine has been shown to cause harm to the human fetus. If you plan on becoming pregnant, discuss with your doctor the benefits and risks of using this medicine during pregnancy.

No plans to get knocked up here. I'm in the clear! On to the side effects!!!

Possible Side Effects: Side Effects that may occur while taking this medicine include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, gas, constipation, indigestion, dizziness, lightheadedness, drowsiness, or headache.

...drymouth, restlessness, irritability, blurred vision, ringing in ears, joint-pain, brief bouts of Tourette's, priapism, and uncontrollable urges toward Wilford Brimley.


Eat your OATMEAL!!!

If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. Check with your doctor as soon as possible if you experience rash; itching; change in vision; ringing in ears; swelling of hands and ankles. Contact your doctor immediately if you experience swelling of hands, face, lips, eyes, or tongue; difficulty swallowing or breathing; wheezing; hoarseness.

Shit...I was just kidding, but you can get blurred vision and ringing in ears. Damn, this is some nasty stuff.

Contact your doctor immediately and stop taking this medicine if you notice any of the following unlikely but very serious side effects: black stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, vomit that looks like coffee grounds.

...

...what?

Black stools? Vomit that looks like coffee grounds?

Ok...did some research. If you start bleeding in your stomach your shit could turn black, or if your throw up, it can look like coffee grounds. Wow, that's the first I've ever heard of that. I'll tell you one thing, even if I hadn't read that, if I puked up coffee grounds you damn well know that I'd be going straight to the hospital...not passing GO, not collecting 200 dollars.

If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor, nurse, or pharmacist.

Um, yeah... How about nervousness, or reluctance to take this medicine? Is that considered a side effect?

Well, if this stuff kills me, it's been great. I hope you all enjoyed my short stint here. I hope Alex and Wade replace me with someone good. Ta Ta For Now!

- 07/26/2002


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