Running Commentary: World...hell...handbasket

- wadE

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Flipping through today I came across an article about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes new baby being born. The article was under the "Top Stories" headline, which is depressing, but not surprising. He is a huge movie star. Having a child (his first biological child) does somewhat qualify as news. What I wasn't prepared for was the 131 picture slideshow that accompanied the article.

The picture embedded in the article was number 7 from the slideshow, but let's start from the top and walk through these photos to see how sad our society has truly become.

Slide 2: Awwww... the, cute couple.

Slide 4: "A vehicle exits the Beverly Hills, Calif., compound of actor Tom Cruise" Wow, think about this now. There are people camped outside of this man's home (although I do like the use of the word "compound") 24/7 waiting...stalking. A car pulls out late at night and the flashbulbs explode... giving us this priceless picture of some woman driving a car that has the back seat partitioned. Even if you can accept that it's ok for people to camp outside of this man's home, how is this picture remotely interesting/useful?

Slide 6: You are kidding right? How many pictures do you think those two used up in shooting the empty stroller? 500? 800? 1000?!?

Slide 7: This is the guy who caught my eye. What can you say. How sad is your life and/or psyche that you are this excited about a guy (who I assume) you have never met having a child. I wonder if this guy is a Scientologist. I think to be a number one fan, you'd have to go all the way and embrace his religion as well. And if you didn't notice, check out the clever saying this guy has on his shirt. You realize he must have had that made this morning.

Slide 8: Shouldn't you be in school?

Slide 9: Oooh, a vehicle enters... daa-daa-daaaaaa

Slide 10: Look at all the people just hanging around outside his house. My God people, don't you have anything better to do... even watching Oprah would be a better use of your time!

Slide 13: Is that the best Tom could do for a security guard? Really? Ok, maybe the guy is a black belt graduate of the Chuck Norris school of ass-kicking, but c'mon. On the other hand, maybe Tom is just helping out a fellow "vertically challenged" guy just trying to make it in this dog eat dog world.

Slide 14: Can you really be a "religion" when you have a "Celebrity Centre"? Does Islam have a Celebrity Center in Mecca or Tehran? And is it just me, or does that building look like the perfect setting for horror movie?

Slide 15: A picture of his Walk of Fame star? Really... that adds to the story how exactly? Although I am somewhat curious to know who he's next to on the walk of fame. Probably sandwiched between Bobcat Goldthwait and Peter Mayhew.

Slide 18: A car DELIVERING COFFEE!!! is mobbed outside his home. Is that a Starbucks Mocha Chocha La La Latte?

Slide 19: We don't know where the baby was birthed, but here's a picture of a hospital just to remind you on where babies should be born.

Slide 22: Here is yet another picture of a hospital that may or may not been the birthplace of little Suri. (is it just me or does the name Suri make you think of the musical Oklahoma?)

Slide 26: A mysterious woman delivers groceries... Ok, I made that "mysterious" part up, but at least it seemed remotely interesting for a moment. I wonder when we will get to the shot of the utility guy checking the house's meter.

Slide 40: A Photo taking by a Photographer of other Photographers taking a Photo.

Slide 48: "Photographers wait outside the home of actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Monday, April 10, 2006," Wait... how long have these people been outside his home? Since March?

Slide 51: ...and here's a shot of some random passer-by walking past the gate that you've seen in 70 different pictures of this slideshow...

Slide 53: Vincent Vega everyone... give it up for Vincent Vega. Maybe they'll have a nice shot of L. Ron Hubbard coming up in the slideshow. Maybe Issac Hayes?

Slides 55 - 61: We now show a bunch of publicity shots from the 2004 movie, First Daughter; and the 2003 movies, The Singing Detective and Pieces Of April. You remember those, right? Right!?

Slides 62 - ...: Wait, so now we're just showing some shots of Katie at the Toronto Film Festival in 2003 when she was still with Chris Klein? How is this remotely relevant? Bah...

Well, I guess the good news is that yahoo actually did not have 131 photos already on Suri Cruise's birth.

The bad news... well, refer back to Slide 7.

What do you think? Drop us a line at and give us some feedback. Maybe we'll even run your letters in future Gambits. 'The Daily Gambit' is updated every weekday.


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