Memo to Karl
- Alex
Having watched the first three games of the LA Lakers v. MN Timberwolves NBA Western Conference Finals series, I'd like to write an open
memo to Lakers forward Karl Malone. Here goes...
Karl, no one likes you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's simply the truth. I've watched you for the past three games, and your thug act is perhaps
not the best choice you could make. For one thing, when an offensive foul is called on the other team, you don't need to make the call gesture
with that tough guy look on your face - that's what the referee is for. You're like an NFL player who signals for a first down after he's made a
five yard catch, like he's the king of the world. And no one wants to be that guy. You should save your energy for doing something useful.
But that's only the beginning of the thug problems. You see, LA doesn't really like threatening thugs. LA had Kareem, who was a dirty jerk,
but he was quiet and soft spoken, and didn't make menacing faces at the crowd when he made a jump hook. LA has Shaq, who's kind of a thug, but
he's also always smiling and talkative in interviews, and generally a nice guy. LA loves their superstars who can score and pass and have sex with
women (c.f. Johnson, Magic; Bryant, Kobe). LA loves their spunky white role players, like Rambis, and Madsen. The Lakers don't need thugs - that's
really more of a Clippers thing. If you want LA to love you, perhaps you should shut your yap and play some defense. If you're lucky, you can
be the next James Worthy.
Then again, the real problem of the situation isn't that you're a thug on the Lakers (although that doesn't help). No, the real problem is that
you're a Laker. Do you think anyone will care if you win a title with this team? Do you think anyone will care if Gary Sheffield wins a ring
this year with the Yankees? If A-Rod does? People don't care about players who jump teams just to win a championship (with some very small
exceptions like Ray Borque). If you'd stayed with Utah this year, they had a decent team, you could've gotten them to the playoffs. People would've
written great things about you, how you'd rallied a group of kids and made them better. If you win with this Lakers team, it's just another
championship for Shaq and Kobe... and oh yeah, Karl Malone was on the team, too.
So please, Karl, just tone down the act and play some ball. Enjoy your ring if you get it, but don't try to make me think you're a
superstar anymore, let alone a thug. You're not. You could at least try to be likeable.
What do you think? Drop us a line at webmaster@simpleprop.com and give us some
feedback. Maybe we'll even run your letters in future Gambits. 'The Daily Gambit' is updated every weekday.
