Go Yankees!

- Wade

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Aaaah, baseball. The lovable Twins take on the hate-able Yankees today at noon in Game 1 of the American League Division Series. I, like all rational human beings, hate the Yankees. I suppose I can let someone get away with being a Yankees fan if he/she grew up in New York City, but even that's stretching it. (The only reason I capitulate here is fear of Chelle kicking me with her leg brace.)

But really... how can you like the Yankees? As the esteemed Jim Caple once said, it's like rooting for Bill Gates to win the lottery. With some fire in the belly, I searched online for some good examples of Yankee hatred. There's really quite a bit out there, here's the best of what I found-- a little dated but still hee-larious (courtesy yanks-suck.com):

1) Derek Jeter. Is this guy really that good looking? I don't get it. Perhaps I'm jealous, or perhaps I'm letting my hatred of his team blind me, but I really think I'm being objective when I say that this guy looks like a f*cking alien. Tino Martinez? Not a bad looking dude. Paul O'Neill? Handsome, I'd say, in a rugged, alcoholic Irish sense. But Jeter? I mean, c'mon. If the guy wasn't a baseball player and he was hanging out in some sh*tty a$$ under-17 club in Rockland County, not one girl in the bar would turn her head unless they thought someone was filming Cocoon 3.

2) Joe Torre. Yeah we get it. You're a nice guy. A good manager. You cry when your team wins. But who the fu#k picks their nose this much? My mom says it's unfair to have a camera on you in the dugout when you don't know people are watching. Agreed. Yet, you could have a camera on me 24 hours a day and maybe you catch me picking a boog three times. This guy does it six times every half hour. Buy yourself a kleenex you ugly creep. He looks like someone who might molest my little cousin on Halloween. People who look like him are the reason my mom used to go through my Halloween candy to make sure there were no razor blades.

3) Luis Sojo. Yeah, this guy's awesome. He looks like he should be a busboy at the Burrito Loco. If this guy eats one more chalupa he's gonna f*cking explode.

4) Jose Vizcaino. He should be working with Luis Sojo. Nice glasses dipsh%t.

5) Roger Clemens. This guy's a piece of work. They say he's not a "real Yankee." That the rest of the Yankees shouldn't be judged by his idiotic personality/behavior/mentality. Bull * . He's the prototypical Yankee. A mercenary superstar who only cares about money and acts like a total a$$hole. He should be the new Yankees logo. Get rid of the "NY" symbol. Just a giant picture of Clemens throwing shattered bats at players and hitting them in the heads with 100 mile an hour baseballs. And Kissing Babe Ruth's monument before the game? F- you Clemens. I hope the monument has herpes.

6) Bernie Williams. Here's a pretty guy. Not only did he fall off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, but then he hit the ground and got really disfigured. And to compensate for his looks, he's got the most outgoing personality this side of Adam Hirschberg. This is a guy you can really get behind and root for.

7) Andy Pettite. Kind of like him actually. Still a homo.

8) El Duque. Oh don't even get me started here. The Cuban refugee. What a story! For the rest of the year, every night before I go to bed, I promise to fall to my knees and pray to God that this guy gets deported and spends the rest of his days rotting away in a Cuban jail cell decorated only with posters of Fidel Castro and cigars. And what kind of name is El Duque? I'd like to make a big Duque in his mouth-ue.

9) Mariano Rivera. Hate this guy as much as any of the others. Maybe he should try eating something. This dude spits and loses six pounds. I heard someone poured champagne on him after they won and he slid down a sewer drain and drowned.

10) Yankee fans. Without bias, I find you all to be the most insuferable, fair weather, ignorant fans in the world. Know this: no matter how many championships you win, you have a BORING, UNLIKABLE, UN-EXCITING TEAM. If I was a Yankee fan myself I would find it hard to root for them. May they all rot in hell.


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