I'm officially lazy...
- wadE
Ok, I'm working on a couple of articles, so pardon the plagerism...well, it's not plagerism if I tell you that I didn't
write it!
This is an article from today's startribune.com...by James Lileks...
Driving along, listening to the radio. On comes an ad for the Minnesota Tobacco Hotline -- it's a recording of a
guy calling for advice. More than anything, the fellow wanted a smoke while driving his car, because it "took the
edge off." (So does a belt sander.) The helpful counselor suggested that he put the smokes in the trunk -- that when
he wanted one, he'd have to pull over and get them out, and that would hardly be practical, would it?
First of all, as any smoker knows, the cigarettes could be welded in a sealed compartment in a wheel well,
and after a while you'd not only pull over, you'd hack at the welding seam with your car keys until you broke
through. But most important: Why are we spending money to tell people that putting cigarettes in the trunk makes
them difficult to reach when driving?
I would like several million dollars to set up the Excruciatingly Obvious Hotline, where we help people unable
to come to sensible decisions on their own. Some examples of the sort of person we'll help:
Q: I'd like to leave the house -- from what I see on TV, the world looks rather interesting, and I
understand it smells nice in the spring. But I'm unsure what to do.
A: First things first! Locate a door -- it's the rectangular hinged object that's built into your wall.
You may have several. Choose the one that goes out -- many people have tried to go outside only to end up in a
closet, and that's soured them on the whole idea, as they were under the impression that "outside" was a much
bigger concept, and did not contain so many shoes. Get a dry towel; remove any trace of perspiration from your
palm, lest the doorknob slip in your grasp. Turn firmly, pull. There! The door is open. The world awaits. You're free
to roam, but tie a stout cord around your waist so you can find your way back again.
We'll also handle queries about waking up ("opening your eyes is a wonderful place to start") as well as cutting
down on desserts ("add a cup of cigarette butts to the cookie batter; then place them in the trunk").
If you do want to talk to someone about quitting, incidentally, the number is 1-877-270-7867. They can also help
you get some free nicotine gum, and that's what worked for me. Although eventually I had to put the gum in the trunk.
War!
Yes, I misspelled Cipio in Tuesday's column. It's not Ciprio. I must have been thinking of that actor in "Titanic."
On a related note, here's Dick in Waco, Texas:
Do you remember seeing those wanted posters of Osama bin Laden in the post office? I remember seeing them a year or
two before 9-11. I always thought it was kind of strange that the FBI wanted us to be on the lookout for a tall,
skinny man with a long beard dressed in a robe and wearing a turban.
Kind of think he would stand out, don't you?
In Waco? Naaaah.
Dick's correct -- OBL was on the Most-Wanted List in June 1999. The poster also noted that he should be
"considered armed and extremely dangerous" -- a phrase that makes me think of sweaty, unshaven, desperate
criminals leaning out of window with a tommy gun, shouting YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, G-MEN! He's also described
as using a cane, which I never knew -- you can guess it's one of those special evildoer canes that has a knife in
the handle. Or perhaps it's like the Penguin's cane, and it sprays sleeping gas.
What do you think? Drop us a line at webmaster@simpleprop.com and give us some
feedback. Maybe we'll even run your letters in future Gambits. 'The Daily Gambit' is updated every weekday.
