An e-mail discussion about the wave (spurred on by this post) with the other SP yahoos reminded me of a list I compiled for sparklegirl several years back before a Twins game. She was wondering about behavior expectations at a baseball game, and, being a dork, I came up with a list. From what I can remember, here is Wade’s Rules for Proper Baseball Game Attendance Etiquette. (Or, y’know, WRPBGAE.)

+ No wave. It’s not as cool as you think it is. If you must, do it without getting out of your seat and disrupting my view of the game. Exception: Kids. (Mostly because they’re short.)

+ No cell phones.

+ If you happen to catch a foul ball, give it to the littlest person around you.

+ If you happen to catch a home run from the opposing team, do *not* yield to the “throw it back” chants. That’s both silly and reductive (the Cubs started it). If you feel the need to get rid of it, see the above rule.

+ Wait until the half-inning break to leave and come back to your seat. This might actually be the cardinal rule for me. My reaction ranges from the stinkeye to under-the-breath “RUDE,” depending upon how much beer I’d consumed by that point.

+ Have the correct change for the vendors who sell food and beverages in the aisles. Also: Tip generously.

+ Don’t wear apparel from opposing teams or other sports leagues. Twins apparel is encouraged but not mandatory.

+ Don’t leave until the game is over. Exception: When you’re with your kids. (Mostly because it’s too expensive to keep plying them with popcorn and ice cream for three hours.)

I hope this doesn’t come off as curmudgeonly. I simply feel that one’s behavior at a game should be respectful of the people who want to actually watch the game. I’m all about the between-inning tomfoolery. Your Kiss Cam. Your Twins Triva. (Really Trevor Plouffe? You admit that “Jersey Shore” is your favorite reality show?) Your Bon Jovi sing-along. Just keep it down during the actual game-play itself; I’d like to see Nishioka strike out in peace.

wadE: not for the next gambit… but for Mauer to take grounders at first base.

Reports have been leaking out that the baby Jesus (or as I tried to name him, “the baseball Jesus”) has finally started taking some grounders at first base during pre-game warm ups. Although Joe Mauer has been as forceful as he can be about being the “catcher” for this team, it’s not feasible to pay a guy 23.5 million per year and have him sit out 2 out of every 7 games. The Twins need his bat (such as it is these days) in the lineup every day. If that means playing a little third base, outfield, or first base… so be it. The hometown boy’s shine has started to wear off (the team being 32-45 will do that). Even Shecky Souhan has started to rip into Mauer. Even Sid seems to be down on the golden boy . The Twins latest run started to make a previous gambit look bad, but never fear… this season is truly over.

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wadE:
Officially? No. It’s only early May… er, mid-May, and the Twins are only 6.5 back of Detroit; and the Indians can’t keep this up all year… right? (I’ve already written off the Royals).

But in actuality the season is over. The Twins can point to injuries as the reason they are struggling, but there are 6 regulars who have not missed significant time. Only two of them have an OPS+ over 100. The pitching staff has been as bad as anyone could have possibly guessed. Joe Nathan is D-U-N done. The Twins pitching staff, who has led the league in fewest walks more often than not in the past decade, is now second to last. The Twins “Wins Above Replacement” value is 0.4. Meaning that a team of replacement players would have about the same record. Is there time for a turnaround? Sure. But every hope for the 2012 season would have to come to fruition, and fast.

Such as: Mauer stays healthy and hits with some power, Morneau plays like an MVP contender, Valencia follows up his rookie year with another solid year, Delmon continues to build, Casilla isn’t awful, starting pitching all steps up a notch, and Nishioka (while not the second coming of Ichiro) is better than Cuddyer at second.

In closing… don’t hold your breath.

The team here at SP started this list last year, but in classic SP style we never quite finished. With how bad the Twins are doing this year, it seems like it was kismit that we’d wait until now to publish. Without further ado…enjoy.
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Naturally, Poz says it better than I ever could. ‘Heart attack at 37′ is certainly a sobering phrase, and we should all take the time, perhaps, to celebrate life like it’s Lima Time.

In that spirit, I’d like to open the commenting floor to Wade A, who had the good fortune of believing in the magic of Jose Lima during the first round of our 2000 fantasy baseball draft.