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Into Each Life Some Wayne Must Fall

*URG*. It happened again.

A co-worker just called me “Wayne.” It’s understandable in that it’s his first week on the jov.

But still.

Being called Wayne may be my biggest pet peeve. I’m not exactly sure on the reason. It’s probably because I knew two Waynes growing up, and neither is a person to whom I want to be preferred. Anyone who mistakenly calls me Wayne these days is by no way confusing or comparing me with these two, but it still irks me.

As a public service to you, gentle reader, here is the unabridged list of names that I do not like to be called. Please adjust your behavior accordingly.

  • Wayne
  • Ward
  • Big Guy
  • Chad
  • Chaz
  • Wader Tater
  • Metta Wade Peace
  • Wade Van House
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(Disrep)Air Jordan

As I walked through the skyways just now, I noticed three people sporting backpacks emblazoned with the following logo:



In case you just arrived here from… well, the moon, that’s Nike’s Michael Jordan logo. (Technically, this is supposed to be referred to as “Jumpman.” I’ve never heard anyone actually use that term.) The Jordan silhouette has been used by Nike on their Jordan-branded gear since 1985. Pure marketing genuis in the mid- to late- 80’s– in my middle school, the Nike Air Jordan high-top shoes (“Jordans,” if you’re into the whole brevity thing) were much revered. Only a lucky few were able to afford such remarkable footwear, while the rest of us sullen proletariat were forced to trudge to school in our Asics, New Balances, and Nevados, likely procured from the Shoe Carnival.

This Jordan athletic idolatry made sense 20 years ago. Have you seen Michael Jordan lately?





He’s definitely not at the Barkley level of roundness, and I’m the last person to make fun of another’s weight… but you think Nike might stop pushing fitness-related gear associated with a guy who hasn’t seen a sit up in a decade.

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I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking

To be a luddite, or not to be a luddite? That’s my question. While not opposed to technology– that would be just silly– I certainly value boundaries, both in costs and in distractions. So, low-tech or high-tech? Which is nobler? I’m blathering, naturally, about the stuff in my pockets. Right now, I have: 1) a Blackberry Bold smartphone, sponsored by my work and used to get my work e-mails, as well as some rudimentary web surfing and texting 2) a Blackberry Curve smartphone, sponsored by me and used to get… well, I don’t really use it 3) a 3-gig iPod, 2007 vintage, with a cracked display and a propensity to shudder and buck and shut down if it’s cold out This is *too much stuff* to carry around, especially when I can (theoretically) consolidate at least two of these into a single device. The work Blackberry seems to be the constant, in that I need to be able to access work e-mail and that’s the only mobile device that supports that (right now). However, should I: – ditch the personal phone entirely in that there’s really nothing that I do on it that couldn’t be accomplished via the work phone? Considerations: ethics (meh), more draconian restrictions coming on what I’m able to do and

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see on said work phone? – get a low-tech non-smart cell phone that allows me to keep personal calls and texts on my own dime but ditch the burdensome data plan? – kill two birds with one stone, pitch the Curve and the antiquated iPod for a new 4G iPhone? Please note that cost is a factor in this decision– I don’t necessarily have the funds to dish out for an iPhone right now. That being said, the iPod is clearly on its last legs, and not replacing that when it ultimately croaks is not an option. So, arguably, I’d be spending that money at some point, anyway. It’s a question of whether I want to use said funds to collapse two of my pocket devices (that sounds dirty) into one, while continuting to float the somewhat unnecessary costs of the personal data plan – OR – being cheaper but lower-tech and carrying on my tradition of lumpy, radioactive pockets. Guidance is appreciated.

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The Baseball Rules

An e-mail discussion about the wave (spurred on by this post) with the other SP yahoos reminded me of a list I compiled for sparklegirl several years back before a Twins game. She was wondering about behavior expectations at a baseball game, and, being a dork, I came up with a list. From what I can remember, here is Wade’s Rules for Proper Baseball Game Attendance Etiquette. (Or, y’know, WRPBGAE.)

+ No wave. It’s not as cool as you think it is. If you must, do it without getting out of your seat and disrupting my view of the game. Exception: Kids. (Mostly because they’re short.)

+ No cell phones.

+ If you happen to catch a foul ball, give it to the littlest person around you.

+ If you happen to catch a home run from the opposing team, do *not* yield to the “throw it back” chants. That’s both silly and reductive (the Cubs started it). If you feel the need to get rid of it, see the above rule.

+ Wait until the half-inning break to leave and come back to your seat. This might actually be the cardinal rule for me. My reaction ranges from the stinkeye to under-the-breath “RUDE,” depending upon how much beer I’d consumed by that point.

+ Have the correct change for the vendors who sell food and beverages in the aisles. Also: Tip generously.

+ Don’t wear apparel from opposing teams or other sports leagues. Twins apparel is encouraged but not mandatory.

+ Don’t leave until the game is over. Exception: When you’re with your kids. (Mostly because it’s too expensive to keep plying them with popcorn and ice cream for three hours.)

I hope this doesn’t come off as curmudgeonly. I simply feel that one’s behavior at a game should be respectful of the people who want to actually watch the game. I’m all about the between-inning tomfoolery. Your Kiss Cam. Your Twins Triva. (Really Trevor Plouffe? You admit that “Jersey Shore” is your favorite reality show?) Your Bon Jovi sing-along. Just keep it down during the actual game-play itself; I’d like to see Nishioka strike out in peace.