An e-mail discussion about the wave (spurred on by this post) with the other SP yahoos reminded me of a list I compiled for sparklegirl several years back before a Twins game. She was wondering about behavior expectations at a baseball game, and, being a dork, I came up with a list. From what I can remember, here is Wade’s Rules for Proper Baseball Game Attendance Etiquette. (Or, y’know, WRPBGAE.)

+ No wave. It’s not as cool as you think it is. If you must, do it without getting out of your seat and disrupting my view of the game. Exception: Kids. (Mostly because they’re short.)

+ No cell phones.

+ If you happen to catch a foul ball, give it to the littlest person around you.

+ If you happen to catch a home run from the opposing team, do *not* yield to the “throw it back” chants. That’s both silly and reductive (the Cubs started it). If you feel the need to get rid of it, see the above rule.

+ Wait until the half-inning break to leave and come back to your seat. This might actually be the cardinal rule for me. My reaction ranges from the stinkeye to under-the-breath “RUDE,” depending upon how much beer I’d consumed by that point.

+ Have the correct change for the vendors who sell food and beverages in the aisles. Also: Tip generously.

+ Don’t wear apparel from opposing teams or other sports leagues. Twins apparel is encouraged but not mandatory.

+ Don’t leave until the game is over. Exception: When you’re with your kids. (Mostly because it’s too expensive to keep plying them with popcorn and ice cream for three hours.)

I hope this doesn’t come off as curmudgeonly. I simply feel that one’s behavior at a game should be respectful of the people who want to actually watch the game. I’m all about the between-inning tomfoolery. Your Kiss Cam. Your Twins Triva. (Really Trevor Plouffe? You admit that “Jersey Shore” is your favorite reality show?) Your Bon Jovi sing-along. Just keep it down during the actual game-play itself; I’d like to see Nishioka strike out in peace.

The team here at SP started this list last year, but in classic SP style we never quite finished. With how bad the Twins are doing this year, it seems like it was kismit that we’d wait until now to publish. Without further ado…enjoy.
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Yesterday, the C-level officers of simpleprop.com met at a local undisclosed pizza place for lunch. Here we compared ourselves to the framers of the constitution (true), came up with a far-fetched embezzlement scheme to make us wildly rich (true), and talked about the strategic future of this here website (not true). We also talked about the butt drag. Read this. (Then come back.)

Huh. In middle school, we had two weeks of wrestling during gym class. I think this might have been an Austin thing, as one of the two gym teachers was also the wrestling coach. I hope so– those years were bad enough without having to climb on top of one of your same-sex classmates wearing just a t-shirt and shorts in the name of exercise. In addition, you were paired up with someone roughly your same weight. This makes sense, in general; however, when you’re the second-to-most-overweight kid in the class and the most overweight kid is reeeeeally overweight.. well, let’s just not go there, k?

For me, the most remarkable is the quote from former Fresno State wrestling coach Dennis DeLiddo regarding the butt drag: “I’ve never heard this move used as being ugly or dirty.” That’s right, he doesn’t think the practice of one wrestler sticking his fingers up the anus of another wrestler is ugly or dirty. I guess he showers a lot.

Anyway, my point. I think “butt drag” is a rather uncreative name for this move. “Checking the oil” is much better, but I think we can top it. As such, I’m announcing the Let’s Come Up With A Better Name For When A Wrestler Sticks His Fingers Up Another Wrestler’s Anus contest. Leave your entries in the comments section. The top name gets a free year-long subscription to simpleprop.com! Oh, and some dijon mustard.

I learned late last night that Leslie Nielsen passed away, succumbing to complications from a recent bout of pneumonia. I was surprised to learn that he was 84 years old; to me, he seemed ageless, looking the same in 1980′s Airplane! as he did in 2006′s Scary Movie 4. His peak, though, was the Naked Gun series of the late 80′s and early 90′s, where he played Lieutenant Frank Drebin, successfully defusing kidnappings, bomb plots, assassinations, and O.J. Simpson one-liners with his typical bumbling style.

My favorite humor is the kind that doesn’t need to hit you over the head. A straight man being unaware of his own foolish irony will always make me laugh more than a well-executed pratfall. As such, many lines from Neilsen’s films have made their way into my comedic repertoire (such as it is) over the past 25 years. I feel a special kind of pity for people who have had to endure my frequent “Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna”s and “You can tell me. I’m a doctor”s and “but that’s not important right now”s over the years. Frank Drebin was Steve Carrell without the painful awkwardness, Will Ferrell with better timing. His subtlety will be missed.

Feel free to leave your favorite Nielsen quote in the comments.

Dear Mr. Harwell,

I am reluctant to admit that I have spent most of my life being barely aware of your existence. I remember there being a bit of a ruckus when you got fired by a college football coach, and that everyone was happy when the guy from Little Caesar’s hired you back the next year. But that was about it; beyond that, you were a trivia fact that rattled around my brain like so many others do. The second video ever played on MTV was Pat Benetar’s “You Better Run.” Minnesota became a state in 1858. And Ernie Harwell was the voice of the Detroit Tigers.

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