You, constant reader, are lucky.
Why? Because I'm spending this hour, my last hour as a non-millionaire, with you.
You see, the Powerball drawing happens in about forty minutes. I'm a proud co-owner of 21 tickets, along with six co-workers. Tonight's jackpot is $340,000,000. Once you take out taxes, fees for the lump-sum option, and divide it amongst each of us, my share is approximately $12 million. Not too shabby.
Now, I'm enough of a realist to know that the chances of winning are pretty slim. Slim, in this case, being 146 million to one. However, I'm not as much of a buzzkill as these guys (courtesy of startribune.com):
David Bressoud, DeWitt Wallace professor of mathematics at Macalester College in St. Paul: "If you buy 10 tickets a week, every week, it would take you 280,000 years before you could expect to win."
Douglas Arnold, director of the Institute for Mathematics and Its Applications at the University of Minnesota: "If you were to select a group of Powerball numbers every minute for 138 years, you would have about a 50 percent chance of picking the winning Powerball ticket."
These guys sound like a lot of fun. Don't they know how to dream, man?
Speaking of Debbie Downers, here's a quote from Roseanne Feia, one of those northern MN lunch ladies who split the Powerball jackpot two years ago:
"You win $340 million, and it really could destroy you. It's too much for one person."
No offense, ma'am, but I think you've been sniffing the salisbury steak for too many years.
Too much? Hogwash. I've got it spent already. To wit:
$200,000 - St. Olaf College
This much would be earmarked for the college education of Sophie and (insert baby name #2 here). I'm hoping that'll cover it. Right? Please?
$2,000 - American Ash Telecaster
Not that I have any particular need for another electric right now... but I've wanted this for a while. So there.
$200 - Customized Jeremy Roenick Blackhawks jersey
My current 'hawks jersey is almost fifteen years old. Perfect excuse for an upgrade, right? And, yes, "Roenick" barely beat out "Griswold".
$10,000 - 63 inch flatscreen plasma TV
Why the hell not? I'd bet the Game Show Network and "Cosby Show" reruns would look great on this thing.
$45,000 - Audi TT Roadster
This is a little excessive, I suppose. I mean, I've already got the Sunfire, and that's pretty much the peak of automobile performance. So I'd probably only take the Audi out on Sundays.
Crap. I'm not even up to a million yet. And I hate to have money just lying around, not doing anything. Hmm. Got the car, got the TV, got the Blackhawks jersey... what else am I lacking? Maybe a gift card to Caribou.. oh, wait!
$10,000,000 - Isle de Caille, Grenadines
Yep. My own private damn island. 400 acres, multiple buildings, water facilities, electricity. I'd even have my own volcanic knolls! I've always wanted a volcanic knoll. Coconut palms, fruit trees, sandy beac... Wait, wait, here comes the drawing. Wait for it..
Wait for it...
Oh. Well. Nevermind. I, um, didn't expect to win anyway. In fact, I didn't even want to. It's too much for one person.