You've Got Mail

Ten years ago, I had no idea what an e-mail was. Now I can't go fifteen minutes without reading e-mail, writing e-mail, checking e-mail... It's become such an integral part of my work life (and, more importantly, my personal life) that I can't imagine life without it. How did people work without e-mail? Did they actually pick up the phone and *talk* to customers and co-workers? Or (God forbid) walk over to their cube? I couldn't think of anything worse. And I wouldn't be able to be half as successful at being passive/agressive if I talked to my friends in person. E-mail is magical!

My first introduction to e-mail was at Saint Olaf in the fall of 1994. Since then I've never looked back. Being the sentimental, nostalgic fool that I am, I've saved many of the messages I've received during college. I truly treasure these e-mails-- they're a record of conversations between me and my closest friends during times of growing up, both the happy and sad stories. Most of my saved messages are from wadE and Jason-- we shared a lot over e-mail from '94 to '98. Much of it is personal and not appropriate for sharing. However, there are certain snippets that are impersonal enough (and funny enough) to share. If you know wadE or Jason at all, they take on an even higher level of comedic value. Either way... have fun.

Wade Van House, 3/13/95, re: what up foo:

Ahem! Excuse me. How is it going? This week is going to bite ass. Like in a major way. I am thinking of who I can get to go the licker sto'. That's code there, Agent Andy Dick...hahahahaha...that sh*t always kills me! Well, I don't know....f*ckin' A.

Wade Van House, 3/15/95, re: Mr. Anderson, come here, I need you!

What do you think Alex. Grahm Bell meant when he said that? Do you think he was one of dem tinkerbells?

Wade Van House, 4/12/95, re: yeah?:

I bet I have had more beer today than you!

Wade Van House, 4/22/95:

But when I assume, I make an "ass" out of "u" and "me", you know, I just noticed something, I am so ignorant, no...stupid, no...just blind. I just realized that "ass"-"u"-"me" is assume. I can't believe I had not figured that one out. Had you? I am sure you must of, you can't be as stupid as me. Oh, well, this has become longer that I had planed.

Wade Van House, 6/10/96, re: Good morning Mr. Anderson, your mission...:

andy and I went to Hogan Bros. Courtney was working and gave me the biggest and fattest sandwich ever constructed. (no that is not a euphemism for sexual favors)

Wade Van House, 6/11/96, re: i fell asleep:

I tried playing it for awhile, and I did the first mission just fine, but the second mission where I was supposed to "Persuade" some scientist...well after about 20 minutes of futile effort, I shot him.

Wade Van House, 8/2/96, re: doh dee do:

I'm very scared...if you don't get any email from me on monday, you better check some cat and horse manure for bits and pieces of me.

Jason McEwen, 11/24/96, re: Really drunk:

Hi Wade, how is it going? As the title reads, I amn very drunk.

Jason McEwen, 2/13/97, re: Puhlease:

Why is it that when girls break up with me they all end up going downhill? It's got to be some sort of Irish curse, something to do with beer I'm sure.

Jason McEwen, 4/9/97, re: GODDAM:

"HoooooHeeeeeHoooooHeeeee, Lord Wader, turn to the dark side you knob, and pass me another beer you hoser."

Wade Van House, 8/5/97, re: hey:

you know, when you drink diet 7-up and then burp, it tastes like detergent. weird...

Wade Van House, 8/21/97, re: pack of red apples:

Nathan Toland is about to get a Wade's fist enema!!! crap crap crap's by you...

Wade Van House, 9/2/97, re: well:

But herin lies the subtle difference between the 2 wades...anger, or what the scottish call angaaarrrr!

Wade Van House, 9/15/97, re: WRONG....topic 14 will be, what size of pants do I wear:

went out got in line for 2 brats and a big ass beer...I think the guy charged me $145 for that...I didn't argue...he could have charged me my left pinky...I would not have argued...

Jason McEwen, 10/8/97, re: YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

I hear you're going to Unkie Rogs' cabin this weekend. Isn't that a Grateful Dead song? Wait, that's Black Dick.

Jason McEwen, 10/23/97, re: Hey Flipper!!!!!!!!!!!!:

You know, of all people performing magic, he's the last one I would suspect holdind a wand. I don't even think Copperfield could make his butt dissappear.

Jason McEwen, 10/27/97, re: Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine...GOVERNMENT CHEESE!!!:

I think we have a gas leak in the house so if this message doen't make sens...ox, donkey, vitamin c, sarde..............ok, just fell asleep there. I'm in danger for my life.

Jason McEwen, 11/10/97, re: MASTER OF MUPPETS:

Steel Vagina(not to be confused with copper clitorus...isn't that the phylum that jackrabbits belong to?)

Wade Van House, 11/18/97, re: saturday night:

the owner bought the bar in the mid 80's by winning money in Burt Reynolds look-a-like contests. He did look a lot like Burt.

Jason McEwen, 12/1/97, re: Cock Fight!!!!:

Dear Sir,

Boner. Hey monkey, where you been? The counting crows are a very hard habit to break. Drink sprite...fishpaw...shabaz brothers...pussy marauder. What's new pussy cat? It's good to hear that you have been accepted into the final interview at CSC. By the way, I would love to read that Bill Clinton, Rain King paper you're working on. Does that make Bob Dole the monkey? My fellow amer...OO,OO,OO. Did you know that he is in a gang. Yeah, the crips.

Jason McEwen, 12/4/97, re: stinky face:

Wade, I want to get funk-ass-nasty with you. Are you available tomorrow?

Jason McEwen, 3/2/98, re: Damn!!:

Well, enough looking into the mirror, let me leave you with the words I want engraved into my tombstone..."Lets go get some tacos".

Jason McEwen, 3/9/98, re: harvester of turkeys!!!:

I didn't want to take any unwelcoming stops on the way in fear of an angry car. Isn't that a Public Enemy song?

Jason McEwen, 3/10/98, re: Nutsack:

What is a 7 letter word describing where Reggie White keeps his nuts.

Jason McEwen, 3/16/98, re: Aesop Fable:

I tell you, I feel like Marsellis Wallis and the rest of my group is Zed.

Jason McEwen, 3/17/98, re: SoUerbALL!!!!!!!!!!!:

Guess who I saw at the library... Quoc Vu! Damn! And his bitch was pretty hot. When I say bitch I'm not speaking vietnamise(lunch), I'm speaking english(girlfriend). Whooee. I got his number if you want to call him.

Jason McEwen, 3/18/98, re: Urethra! R-E-S-P-E-C-T:

I'm just black as coffee.

Wade Van House, 4/3/98, re: well?:

I don't know what we're doing yet, but if Dan is involved you can be assured that it is crazy shit.

Jason McEwen, 4/27/98, re: the most...philosophical of all the signs...:

I've never seen breasts interact with their environment before.

Wade Van House, 4/6/98, re: weekend update:

I was dancing in the middle of their you can guess, I was pretty drunk, but then again I just pretended I was in Iowa...

Jason McEwen, 5/5/98, re: welcome to the (bonggggg!!):

I have dirty laundry(kick me when I'm up) and grammy is doing a little better(kick her when she's down).

Wade Van House, 5/15/98, re: paddy dale-o-rama-slama-bama:

is it just me or everytime you hear "bluebook" you think "blueballs" must just be me...



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