Let's Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!
As I was flipping past Comedy Central the other day, I saw the end of a Saturday Night Live episode. You know, the host saying what a great week he/she had, the cast members looking like they can't wait to start drinking Gin Rickeys at the post-show party (those HAVE to be great parties)-- you know the drill. Anyway, standing with the crew was Manute Bol, the 7'7'' Sudan native who played in the NBA in the late 80's - early 90's. The man is the dictionary definition of gangly. He's also about as socially awkward as you'd imagine a man that size would be.
It got me thinking that I hadn't heard about Manute for quite a while. All that changed today, when I his picture on Yahoo's most e-mailed content (below.) Yes, that's Manute. Yes, that's William Perry. Yes, that's you're feature bout on Fox's Celebrity Boxing 2.
You may or may not have seen the first Celebrity Boxing. It featured bouts involving Danny Bonaduce vs. Barry Williams, Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones, and Vanilla Ice vs. Todd "Willis" Bridges. It was almost worth tuning in to see that last one-- I halfway expected Willis to pull out his crack pipe and burn Vanilla Ice's eyebrows off. Then Conrad Bain would take Willis over to the corner of the ring and explain why that wasn't the proper way to handle his dispute.
Did you know that I own a copy of the Vanilla Ice Unofficial Biography? I feel another column coming on...
Anyway, Manute will be taking on The Fridge in what will likely become the fastest Celebrity Boxing match ever. You thought Tyson was bad for eating ears? Manute best be careful not to lose an entire limb. Uh oh, I feel an unintentional wayback machine moment....
You're lookin' at the Fridge, I'm the rookie.
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.
You've seen me hit, you've seen me run,
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me.
I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle.
Whew. I think I need a New Coke after that.
Do we really care about The Fridge vs. Manute on what is starting to look like the Hollywood equivalent of the welfare line? (You know if your agent books you on Celebrity Boxing, you should hang it up. Are you listening, Corbin Bernsen???) What matchups would we really like to see?
Enrique Iglesias vs. Ricky Martin Can you imagine what kind of pansy fight this would be? I think even I would be able to handle these two no-talent ass clowns. Lots of slapping and scratching, I'd imagine. Winner: Ricky Martin would kick Enrique's bon-bon. Ricky's more energetic and scrappy. And Enrique would be all tired out from his latest video shoot with Anna Kournikova. Or maybe that wasn't Kournikova...
Carrot Top vs. Mr. T Mr. T would destroy Carrot Top. Of course, that's not saying much. The Queen Mom could beat up Carrot Top, and she's been dead for two months. Do you think the people who make the commercials with Carrot Top ever want to just take him out? Sure, you'd go to prison, but the world would be so grateful. You'd probably get pardoned. Winner: I pity the fool who doesn't think T wins this in a landslide.
David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar This one probably will actually take place some point during their tour this summer. Again, not much of a fight. Sammy's put on a few pounds so he probably isn't too mobile. David Lee Roth would be too busy saying "man" to actually throw a punch. Winner: David Lee Roth by default when Sammy accidentally trips on David Lee's giant inflatable wang. Man.
Janet Reno vs. RuPaul Finally a knock-down, drag-out battle. There would be some serious ass-kicking going down here. RuPaul is younger, but I think Reno edges her in crankiness. Reno drives a pickup, for heaven's sake. Ru's got a great set of legs on him/her though(I can't believe I just said that), which would be to his/her advantage. Winner: RuPaul, after a viscious kick to Janet Reno's groin.
Angelina Jolie vs. Pamela Anderson OK, maybe I just want to see this one. Think about it: the standard bearers for loose morals among women from the past ten years mixing it up. Again, a great matchup. Angelina would probably show up intoxicated, but Pam's been slowed a bit from that unfortunate bit of hepatitis. (Tattoo needle... suuuuuuuure.) Pam's probably lost most of the stamina she built up from all of those slow-motion running scenes from Baywatch. Winner: Pam, after choking Angelina with that amulet filled with Billy Bob Thorton's blood.
Bud Selig vs. me Oooh, I've been waiting for this one. I would beat Bud so bad that his barber wouldn't even recognize him. (Barber... right. He heads to the technical college every week for the free haircuts. Have you seen that mop?) I'd make him scream louder than the sound the roof of Brewer Park makes when they try to close it. I'd stuff a couple of Homer Hankies down his throat, then beat him repeatedly about the head with the $6 bottle of 3.2 Miller Lite that I bought at the Metrodome. Winner: Me, just 'cause I'm so darn upset at this moron.
Sorry. Had to pop a Ritalyn. My doctor made me promise to avoid discussing Bud Selig, it's having a definite effect on my blood pressure. Back to our fight card.
Celine Dion vs. Michael Bolton Good Lord. Let's just hope a meteor hits the rink.
Dennis Miller vs. John Madden Dendu definitely is more agile than Austin, Minnesota's own John Madden. Madden would likely try to explain boxing in the most banal terms ("The better boxer is the one who punches more than the other guy.. BOOM!") while Dennis Miller would be making mutliple obscure references ("I don't want to be obsquetious but this boxing match reminds me of Claude Rains as Mr. Dryden in Lawrence of Arabia, babe.") Winner: unknown. Everyone changed the channel.
My dad vs. your dad My dad. Easy.
The Aflac duck vs. the Geico gecko Oooh. Fun. The smart money is on the bird-- it can fly. However, I get the sneaking suspicion that the duck isn't that smart, while the gecko has been through lots of schooling. It's just the accent. Winner: The gecko after Mr. T busts in and strangles that stupid duck.
Luke Perry vs. Jason Priestly Yes, I'm a huge 90210 fan. I was so glad to read that The Sports Guy is a fan as well-- further proving the fact that he'd fit seamlessly into my circle of friends. Anyway, this one wouldn't be much of a fight. B's a nice guy and all, and I'm sure he does all of the appropriate cardio and muscle workouts. But D is just tough as nails. He's lived on the streets. His fiancee got killed in front of his eyes. He's a recovering alcoholic. Winner: Dylan would beat the crap out of Brandon. However, they would both lose handily to Nat.
Alex vs. wadE Not that these two would ever fight. But if they did. Al's the epitome of scrappy, and he's in shape from all of that frolf...er, ultimate frisbee. wadE has been at the gym lately, too, so that might be a wash. And Al has that sneaky sort of look about him, like he might have an illegal object in his pocket, just waiting to use it. But... Winner: wadE. It was a pretty even fight until I stepped in and reminded wadE of that time in 1993 that Al beat him in Baseball Stars. So wadE took out a Ginsu and hacked him up.
Ding ding. That was fun. More entertaining than the upcoming Tyson fight, unless you're in it for watching Iron Mike's pyschological erosion. I'll eat your children.