2003 Grammys - Part Two

Remember when I thought I was going to get this posted on Tuesday? Well... er... I just wanted to space things out so your simpleprop entertainment spanned an entire week. So this was all for you. And stuff.

Anyhow, here goes. Since I was unable to stomach an entire evening of musical schlock on Monday, I recorded the second half-- which made for convenient fast-forwarding action when it came to commercials and N'SYNC segments. (By the way, that makes all of my "times" below false, but work with me.)

8:13 p.m.-- The lead singer from Coldplay makes Tori Amos' piano bench behavior seem, well, normal. And despite what the announcer predicted, the combination of Coldplay and the New York Philharmonic fell far short of amazing.

8:18 p.m.-- Rod Stewart appears with a small dog and a huge man dressed up like a woman. I must be missing the point somewhere. Anyway, this dynamic duo presents the Best Vocal Comedy Album to Robin Williams.

Annoying accents aren't funny.

Seriously. Now we're in for 10 dynamite minutes of Robin switching between an unintelligent southerner accent and a black gangster accent. Oooh, maybe he'll throw in a little Arnold Schwarzenegger too? Why is this still funny to anyone? I actually liked Robin's foray into evil characters in Insomnia and One-Hour Photo. He's not a bad actor, just an awful comedian.

8:21 p.m.-- Aha! First incestuous sighting of a CBS sitcom star (Kevin James.)

8:24 p.m.-- Avril Lavigne takes the stage to sing "Skaterboy." (I know that's not how she spells it but there are some things I refuse to do.) I must admit that I really enjoy this song. Not musically complex, dumb lyrics-- but it still has a groove to it. I also listen to Green Day's Dookie pretty frequently, though, so consider the source.

As an aside, do you realize that next year will mark a decade since Dookie was released? That can't be possible. I bought that in college. Nope, there has to be a math error somewhere. (Liver spots exploding on my hands...)

An "oldie"?

8:27 p.m.-- One of my favorite moments, the summary of winners of award ceremonies held "earlier." In actuality, these are the awards they don't televise because no one cares. Then, throughout the night, they have segments that summarize who won these uncared-for categories. Tonight's include:

  • Best Native American Music Album
  • Best Merengue Album
  • Best Mexican / Mexican-American Album
  • Best Tejano Album
You get the idea.

8:29 p.m.-- Queen Latifah is BACK. She's probably drunk and just wandered back on stage. Nope, she's actually introducing Nelly. Woah, Nelly-- those are a lot of scantily-clad women you got there. With the dancing and the fire and the... you know what I'd like to know? How come rappers can't just do a song by themselves anymore. It's never just "Nelly." It's Nelly featuring Jelly Roll and Busta Nutz, WALL-DAWG and Little Petey. Why is that? I'm rambling. Fast-forward makes its first non-commercial appearance of the evening.

8:35 p.m.-- Fred Durst just said "Before I start, I'd like to say that we're all in agreeance that this war should go away as soon as possible." Oh, Fred. For a, there is no war to "go away." For two, "agreeance"? Are you using Dubya's speechwriter? And for iii, where exactly did you get the idea that people should listen to your damn opinion? Oh, you're in a band. That's right. Therefore, since you (barely) sing, you've got the natural right to not only decide moral issues, but tell other people what they should think. Pipe down.

Sit down and shut up

Regardless, he and Eve present the Best Hard Rock Performance grammy to Foo Fighters. Well-deserved, in my opinion-- I'm a fan of Dave Grohl and his music. He can be a bit of a cheeseball (don't know how I feel about him chewing gum while he's performing), but he had waaaay to much talent to sit behind a drumkit and Kurt Cobain all his life. I don't think Nirvana would have stayed together regardless of Cobain's suicide because of Grohl's talent.

Apparently there's an African American in Foo Fighters now? I didn't know what happened. After Grohl's speech this guy yells into the mic "rock would be nothing without B.B. King." At which point Grohl confusedly looks at the camera, grins, and said "Yeah-- I was just about to say that." He now takes the lead on best quote of the night.

8:40 p.m.-- NO! Robin Williams is back!! And he's still not funny. Although he does rip on Dustin Hoffman for his "Bruce Springstreet" reference earlier in the evening. Anyway, he introduces the Boss and the E-Street band.

They perform "The Rising." What do you think the band's feelings are about Patty Scialfa, Bruce's wife and a member of the band? She's got a microphone, a (completely unnecessary) guitar... it's like Linda McCartney.

8:43 p.m.-- Hey! It's Silvio Dante playing rhythm guitar and singing backup! Maybe Silvio will sic Furio on Robin Williams and have him rubbed out.

Mobster / Rhythm Guitarist

Oh. How sad. Clarence Clemons is relegated to "alternate percussion" duty. You know, maracas and stuff? At least they have his saxophone on a stand near him, in case of emergency.

8:45 p.m.-- One of my favorite rock moments is when the lead singer/rhythm guitar player and the lead guitar/backup singer share the same microphone. Bruce and Stevie were doing this until Patty jumped in the middle of them and started singing. Stevie looked annoyed. I bet this happens a lot.

8:50 p.m.-- Erykah Badu embarasses herself and the rest of the world by COMPLETELY fails to read the TelePrompTer script for a tribue to Alan Lomax. ("Back that up I missed that... what did that say?") I bet Mr. Lomax's family is just tickled about this glorious "tribute" from the Grammys. Maybe next year they'll insist that their presenters don't show up drunk or high, at least for the tributes to the dead.

8:53 p.m.-- Norah Jones wins (again) for Song of the Year. Whoop de damn do.

8:55 p.m.-- Oh, Kevin James again. Watch "King of Queens" everybody! It's on CBS!!! He and Ja Rule introduce Ashanti. Fast forward makes another appearance.

8:59 p.m.-- Ed Bradley ("60 Minutes" on CBS!) does a tribute to the Bee Gees over a touching video montage. At least it looked touching as I fast-forwarded over it.

9:02 p.m.-- N'SYNC does a musical tribute medley of Bee Gees songs. When it appears obvious that this will not include the "Chili's Baby Back Ribs" song, I again fast forward. This it's probably good I didn't have this power during the first part of the show, or my reviews would be rather short.

9:12 p.m.-- Bonnie Raitt and... is that Aretha Franklin?? Holy crap. My first reaction was that she looked like a giant Hostess baked good... Aretha is 'UGE. Damn, Gina. Anyway, they present Norah Jones with Record of the Year. Looks like Norah's night.


9:14 p.m.-- Vince Vaughn (looking unbelievably old) introduces Sheryl Crow, who will perform "You're an Original" with.. Kid Rock. Let's make this clear: I have a bit of a thing for Sheryl Crow. There's just something about a girl with a guitar... and a bass? Please. Anyhow, they team her up with Kid Rock? I like his stuff, but just *his* stuff, not when he tries to actually sing. He's gonna ruin this for me.

9:15 p.m.-- Yup. He's totally off key. Ruined.

9:19 p.m.-- Norah Jones receives Best New Artist. Yawn... Funny: when Alicia Keys opens the envelope, she makes a big deal out of it-- opening it slowly, hiding it from people. Then off-camera you hear a voice say "we've got plenty more show to do here." Great comedy.

9:20 p.m.-- Norah is thanking her musicians... and she mentions Adam Levy! Woo hoo! You may know Adam (and his brother Noah) from their (ex?) band, The Honeydogs. Rumor has it... la la la.

9:34 p.m.-- The Boss, Elvis Costello, Dave Grohl and Stevie Van Zandt perform The Clash's "London Calling" as a tribute to Joe Strummer. "Uncomfortable" is the only way I'd describe this. Bruce wasn't made to sing British punk rock. Elvis Costello sorta pulls it off, but overall I think the experiment failed.

9:38 p.m.-- Oooops. My tape starts rewinding... I guess I was recording on SP, not SLP, so I lost the last hour of the show. That's probably best for all of us.



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