Point - Counterpoint: Discipline Deficit Disorder

Kids. What's wrong with kids these days? There's a perception-- real or not-- that the youth in America are badly behaved, to a degree that has never been witnessed before. It's hard to argue; the newspaper regularly features stories of teen irresponsibility and violence. Is it the same as it's always been, and the media is just making a bigger deal of it? Or has something changed? If something has changed, what needs to happen to "fix things?" Katherine Kersten recently wrote of a book whose author says the fix is emphasizing the need for parents to say no to their kids. Is that enough?

Wade:

I always thought that I would be okay at disciplining my kids. I mean, it's a no-brainer, right? As Mick tells you, you can't always get what you want, and the earlier a person learns that, the better off he or she is. Not telling your kid "no" is the lazy way out. Parents who don't do their kids a disservice. Simple. Easy.

Sorta.

Picture our hero, and his two ankle-biters, standing in the checkout line at a local monstrosity of a grocery store. This is the type of trip my wife makes on her own routinely; for our hero, it's more rare and more terrifying. For the most part, though, it's been an uneventful trip-- just the general whining one expects from a couple of toddlers. No meltdowns. No emergency diaper changes. Just fine.

Aside: you know how stores jam all sorts of candy and chips and soda into the little area right before the register? Every parent hates that little area. End aside.

As I start to put groceries onto the conveyer thingy, Little Miss Muffinpants spots a package of Goldfish snacks that she (apparently) decides she cannot live without. We have roughly seventeen thousand individual Goldfish in our house. It's almost lunchtime. There's no reason for her to get these. Perfect opportunity for me to say "no." Which I did.

You've seen the daughter, yeah?

She didn't look like that when I told her she couldn't have the Goldfish. No sir. Nearly uncontrollable crying. Screaming. Convulsions. People starting to stare now. Annoyed looks from the cashier and the people behind me in line. The boy, confused, starts wailing as well. She's inconsolable, and looks convinced that her world may just end if she doesn't get her Goldfish. More screaming. More staring.

And I caved.

Now, the purpose of that long-winded story is this: disciplining is not easy. It ranges from annoying to extremely heartbreaking. And I think that's why so many parents are so bad at it: it takes both nerve and work and I will begrudgingly admit that, after a long day with the littl'uns, it's not difficult to fall short on those items and give in when I shouldn't.

But it's my responsibility, and Sara's responsibility, to do that. And, to me, there's the problem: for lack of a better word, ownership. Sara has horrific stories from her teaching days about outraged parents loudly blaming teachers for not instilling responsibility, self-respect, respect of others, and a work ethic into their children. Guess what? That's *your* job, not the teacher's. And it's usually hard and sometimes emotional and certainly not as fun as kicking up your feet after you get home from work and having a cocktail and watching television, but it's your job. Quit expecting someone else to do it.

Alex:

Full disclosure: I work at a school. I'm not exactly in a position of authority, so as such I am somewhat in a position to observe general behavior. And at the risk of sounding very old, I just have to say: kids these days, I tell ya.

I think part of the problem is that our culture has changed. We may be more lenient now as a society than we were in the hippie 60s. I'll grant that my workplace is certainly not any kind of standard, but there's no discipline here. When I was in school I was afraid to put a toe out of line because I might get detention. And aside from earning parental wrath, I'd certainly get benched in whatever sport for which I'd be missing practice due to detention. Call it incentive, but it kept me minding my manners.

I do have to admit that I'm a bit churlish about taking this position, since I don't like it when I agree with Katherine Kersten. It just feels like I've done something wrong somehow. But I guess if Wade's on my side I can handle it.

I fully agree that responsibility falls to the parent to, you know, parent. The teacher, the community, can and could/should help, but it is the full time job of a parent to make sure that the child learns base manners and civility. It doesn't have to be couched in relgious terms, but something like the Golden Rule would be a good place to start. Do unto others, man. Or at least try catching more flies with honey. I don't know that learning that lesson has to include a steady stream of discipline, but hey if that's what it takes, then parents shouldn't be afraid to say no.

I don't know that I'd sound the same doom-tones as Ms Kersten does, but I will acknowledge that she does have papers to sell, and that tone will help her meet that goal. I share the concern, but I will hold out some optimism that this is, as they say, "just a phase" in our society. Surely some adults in the 80s said the same thing about we in the SP generation, and we became adults. Didn't we?