Movie Review - Secret Window

Nutshell Review: So many Trents, so little time...

This movie started out so well... and ended so amazingly poorly. I was actually angry at the end of the movie, and trust me, that's quite a rarity for me, regardless of how it sounds when I type. In the spirit of fair play, I'd like to offer up the following disclaimer:

Disclaimer!!!

In the upcoming review, I will spoil every freakin' plot twist in this movie. If you'd like to see this movie unspoiled, well don't. Save your eight bucks, and go see anything else instead. Even Freejack is better than this movie. Just trust me. But, for those of you who will insist on seeing it anyway, I'll give you a spacer image to give you time to turn away. Just know if you read past the picture of shirtless Emilio Estevez, you're doing so at your own risk.

Fun times.

In any case, here we go with the real review. This movie starts out absolutely gangbusters. Johnny Depp is a writer who has a menacing John Turturro show up on his doorstep, and accuse Depp of stealing his story. This happens in the movie's second scene, and really sets a tense tone. The first scene is a flashback designed to portray Depp as a scorned lover, as it shows his wife with another man. In hindsight, it's also a ham-handed attempt at... well, we'll get to that.

The only other real characters introduced in the movie are Depp's ex-wife, her lover, the old, bumbling sheriff, Depp's P.I. friend, and another random guy, who's name I forget. That's it. The real meat and potatoes of this movie is the tension between Depp and Turturro. The suspense as you try to figure out who's right, who's wrong, and just how demented Turturro is really keeps you on the edge of your seat for the first 45 minutes.

Which is why it's a major-league pisser when they reveal that both characters are actually one in the same. That's right, they ripped off Fight Club. The difference being in FC you still really wanted to know what was going to happen to Ed Norton and everything that was happening around him. In Secret Window you're asked to suddenly care about Depp's ex and her lover, who haven't been remotely close to sympathetic characters, while Depp efficiently finishes them off and buries them in the garden.

Yawn.

The movie ends with the Turturro alter-ego in full control, and the ineffectual sheriff threatening that someday they'll find the bodies. Right. Go back to the Maalox, Matlock. So the "bad guy" wins. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing... however, they totally destroyed Depp's sympathetic character for no good reason. The bad guy wins because he's weak, and no one knows the difference, and there's no lesson to be learned. In the end, stuff just kinda happens. Which would be decent if that had been the build up for the movie (i.e. Lost in Translation), but this movie had a killer setup, and the finish was lamer than a prom dinner at McDonald's. I have nothing more to say, let's break out the Trents.

Yep. Four. This movie was worse than The Transporter. By quite a ways too. It's not quite a Dracula 2000, so we'll call it a weak four, but four nonetheless. Do not go see this movie. Floss your toes instead.

03/22/2004