The Gambit Awards!
- Alex
Welcome, welcome! I'm Alex, I'll be your host for the first Gambie Awards. You'll note that I didn't say "first annual", because we certainly haven't done
this every year, nor am I brazen enough to say that I'll do it yearly from here on out. Nor am I saying that I'm the most qualified to be your host. But I did
pen the first Gambit, as well as
threaten (twice)
to run this very column, so I'd say I'm qualified enough.
However, since Gambits typically don't have the most defined of themes, we're going to be running things just a bit differently for this here awards show.
For most of what you'll see, what I've done is pick a Gambit, then invent an award to go along with it. It was just a lot easier that way. Bear in mind that
I did go through roughly 175 Gambits per year for the three years that we've been writing them. I nearly went blind. It's at this point that I should apologize
for both the length of this article, and all the reading you might end up doing if you click on every link. Just bear in mind that it's only a small fraction of
what I endured to bring it to you.
And finally, as an aside, in 2003 we collectively said case of the Mondays, or some related variant thereof so frequently that we should all be shot. I'm serious.
Click here. Oy.
Oh, and I stole an award tropy graphic from the internet that I will show here now, but not use again for the rest of the article. Here:
It kind of looks like Mary Lou Retton if she had feet for hands. You're welcome. Now on with the Gambies!
Most Completely Random Gambit:
The winner is Wade! For his gambit Inappropriate Names for Men's Genitalia.
Congratulations to Wade for going so completely out of the blue, and vaguely McSweeny-ish.
Best Use of Homemade Graphics:
Extremely tough call, since Wade's chart here really makes me giggle... but
the winner is wadE! If the World's Ugliest Shirt did in fact look like that, well
then there's a real problem.
Best Self-Depricating Humor:
Wade! For his gambit "Piggy, do we have sign-off on the project charter yet?".
Gotta love a line like: Imagine Kermit the Frog, but instead of introducing guests on the Muppet Show, he's talking about relational databases.
Best Running Gag:
This one goes to Alex, because as near as I can tell I was the only one to mention the same topic in
three
distinct
Gambits, and I even hinted at a possible fourth. Of course this means that I'm probably
more bereft of content than anyone else, but we'll overlook that for the purposes of this award.
Best Invented Holiday:
Alex! For Charles Nelson Reilly Day! See the above award for the note on how a
complete lack of content doesn't seem to slow me down.
Best Slander of a Colleague in an Awards Column:
To me! For bringing up the fact that wadE said he loves the show Joe Millionair in a
Gambit. Congratulations to both of us.
Best Mailed-In Gambit:
The Gambie goes to Wade! For quoting an entire SNL skit in Mailing It In. But who
doesn't like Bad Idea Jeans?
Most Disturbing Reference:
Wade! For One Good Riesen. I'm not sure why, but those commercials always creeped
me out, too.
Best Slander of a Strange Cultural Phenomenon:
Alex takes this one, for the Gambit God needed a goat, a cat, and a frog. I'm glad
that I didn't get any hate mail out of that one, frankly. And while we're on the subject of slander...
Best Wholly Unnecessary and Uncalled-For Slander of a Friend:
Wade! For Top Five Jason McEwen Malapropisms. I approve because it was wholly
unnecessary and uncalled-for.
Best Sliding Scale:
Wade! For Go Speed Racer. I just like the fact that he wishes a subset of humanity
actual bodily harm. Good work, Wade!
Best Rant Against a Co-Worker:
To wadE! For Shut up and do your work! This is vintage wadE, folks, and I hope to see
more of it in the future. Although I have to admit that I didn't know the Sweedes were known for their stink.
Best Continuation of a Theme:
Gambie here to Alex, for Musical. I really should write and record all those songs
someday. How hard can it be?
Best Artistic Writing:
Well, Wade's the only one who's even tried, so we'll just give him TWO awards, for this,
and this. Good work Wade, at least someone's classing up the joint from time to time.
It's at this point in the evening that I'd like to take a moment and celebrate the best pictures included in the Gambits over these past three years. So everyone
try to imagine a nice musical number along with me while you view a slideshow of the following images. Of course, you won't actually get a slideshow, just links,
so you'll have to put on your Fred Rogers hat and use a little imagination. Without furtehr ado, I present:
Frightening Marios!;
A Giant Hungry Smurf!;
Christmas!;
Donald Duck!;
Pig Butts!;
Rummy!;
Jackassery!;
McSPAM!;
Sheep!;
Shrub!;
Kitten!; and
This thing!
Well. That was fun. Now back to the awards!
Best Rant:
Definitely some good competition here, because let's face it - this is what we do best. I'm gonna have to give the Gambie to Wade! For
Go Yankees! This is some fine spleen-venting here folks.
Best Political Gambit:
I'm guessing this may come as a bit of a surprise, but the award goes to wadE! For
Dennis Miller - Right wing mouthpiece? Sure, it's partly a pop-culture thing, but this is the best of the politically themed Gambits.
Best Junk Email Gambit:
Alex! For Cromulent G. Spammer. Mostly because I made myself giggle when reading it
again. Wade had a good one in this category, too.
Oops:
What seems to have been the only Gambit to have escaped getting updated to the new site
look. It's also cut off in the middle. And I have no idea why. But it retains Wade's Angry Sea Marmot joke, so it wins the award for best oops!
Best Introspective Gambit:
Wade! For Who Are You (ooh-ooh) AND
Unfinished. (I couldn't decide between the two.) Again we turn to Wade for actual
thoughtfulness in a Gambit. He should win an award or something. I mean besides the fake ones I'm handing out here.
Best Gambit about Coffee:
Sure, it was gonna come down to Wade and I, but it had to be said. A Gambie for Wade! For
COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE. Everyone should be celebrating coffee.
Best Conversation with a Cabbie:
wadE! For Taxi Cab Wisdom. Amazing. Did you remember all that wadE, or were you
carrying a tape recorder that day? Either way, great stuff.
Best Use of Poetry in a Gambit:
It's a tie! Both Alex and
Wade have trod down this avenue, neither with much success. Enjoy your half-Gambie, boys.
Best Celebrity Impression:
Wade! For El Sid. Truly an inspired effort. (No really, I mean that.)
Best Fantasy:
Wade! For mmmmm... Sheryl... I actually think it's somewhat surprising that Wade
didn't have any competition in this category. Has anyone ever pointed out to Wade that his mom's name is pronounced the same? Or is that just cruel? :)
Best Fake Cereal:
Too damn funny to leave out, it's wadE! For Wade-O's! They're Wade-Tastic!!
Best Multimedia Clip:
Alex, for the clip linked in here. Not that I can take any credit for much of anything
other than having the file on hand, but it's still damn funny to me. Once again, that is an actual call to an actual tv station from an actual irate idiot.
Best Rambling:
Could've also qualified for Best Rant, so of course it's Wade! For Paaatience...
yeaaaahhh-aaahh... Personally, I suggest offering Wade chicken nachos AND Jim Beam if you want him to do anything, people. Just trust me.
Cutest Gambit:
Well duh.
Best Blackmail:
Damn that Wade anyway. He brings us up in maturity, and then he brings us way down.
Great pictures, though.
Most Annoying Gambit:
This award goes to wadE, for his infuriating Gambit titled European Vacation. I
swear to God, if Holiday Road is stuck in my head all day AGAIN, there's gonna be trouble.
Ok folks, were just about out of time here at The Gambies, and true to historic awards show form I've saved the biggest awards for the end. No, we're not going to have a Best
Gambit or anything like that. What's left are the Gambits that had hands down the most competition for each entry. Here we go with the big three.
Best Obituary:
Yep, that's right, best Obit. Surprisingly, there were five in the three years covered by these awards. It's a tough choice overall, but I'm gonna have to
give the Gambie to Wade, for his piece on Fred Rogers.
Best Movie Review:
You will be intrigued to know that I'm not just in competition with myself here. But I am going to award myself a Gambie. So to Alex! For his review of
Apt Pupil. However, I will also award a runner up Gambie to Wade!
Just because the slander of our ratings systems in here was funny enough to make me laugh.
Aaaaaand finally...
Best Repeated Gambit:
Honest to God I could've sworn I wrote twice on this topic, but I can't find the second
one. Wade did good repeat pieces on both Labor
Day, and OJ
Simpson. While impressive, none of those efforts take the cake.
Your winner: wadE! For submitting this effort.
Twice. On the bright side, it's not an exact duplicate. But it is close. And I have
to admit, it was funny both times. Nonetheless, congratulations wadE!
That's all the time we've got! The orchestra is playing, and Robin Williams is hooking me offstage with an umbrella. Good-bye!
-01/26/2006
