Pure Wow

Food wadE

It’s been 914 days since the last post on simpleprop.com.  It was my annual (at that point) Vikings preview for the 2014 season… let’s not even talk about that.

In these days of the rise of nationalism, Trump, Travel Bans, ISIS, Russia, and so on; what has finally gotten me off my ass to write again?

This: http://www.purewow.com/food/11-Things-Every-Adult-Should-Know-How-to-Make-and-Not-Buy

I was surfing through Facebook while waiting for laundry.  Bouncing between friends railing on the white patriarchy and others saying they had to sit through 8 years of Obama so those other people should shut up.  And this article, posted by no one I might add, caught my eye.  That’s how sad Facebook has gotten.  The suggested Buzzfeed/uproxx/diply/ranker posts are more attractive than what 90% of what I find (you good ones, you know who you are!).  So yeah, I’ve got 27 minutes to kill… why not.  And then the murders began.  Well, not really.  But the rage sure did.

Let’s break this down…

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Because licking the bowl beats sad grocery-store cookies any day.

Ok, so the point of this article is that you, as an adult, should know know how to make these and not buy them.  So if we are talking about buying the package of pre-made dough, I’m with you, that shit sucks.  It may be convenient, but if you have the time to actually bake cookies, then you have the time to mix the dough.  But… some grocery stores have damn good cookies they bake on site.  If you are really after saving time, buy those.  It was likely made right there, by people who live in your community, and it likely was made with basic ingredients and not stuff to allow it to have an unnaturally long shelf life.  However, yes, you should know how to bake cookies.  Even the recipe on a bag of chocolate chips is decent.  If you want to get more advanced search for “Alton Brown Chocolate Chip Cookies”.  Chewy rocks.

Tomato Sauce

Homemade sauce takes 5 minutes and tastes indubitably better than any supermarket jar. Master this marinara for whenever you get a spaghetti urge.

Here is where the rage started.  No… no it doesn’t.  It takes more than 5 minutes to make tomato sauce.  This garbage recipe is flavored canned tomatoes that you shouldn’t even use on bruschetta.  Are you kidding me?  It does not take hours to make a passable sauce (although if you got the time, I’d recommend… and if you do have the time, don’t bring those canned tomatoes anywhere near me during tomato season), but is sure has hell take more than 5 damn minutes.  Should you know how to make a tomato sauce?  Yes.  But guess what… there are some amazing canned sauces out there today.  It’s not all Prego and Ragu.  You might have to pay more than 3 bucks a jar for it, but unless you have a passion for cooking sauce (or gravy as some would call it), skip this 5 minute bullshit.  If your local supermarket doesn’t have anything good… then go here:  https://vincentshomemadesauces.com/sauces/  TRUST ME!

Blueberry Pancakes

Thick, fluffy, sweet, easy…the pancake of your dreams.

Who is buying blueberry pancakes at a grocery store?  Can you even do that?  Why would you do that?  And who doesn’t know how to make them?  Make pancakes, throw in blueberries.  Good lord.

Macaroni and Cheese

You’re not in college anymore. So: Bye-bye, Blue Box.

You’re not in college anymore.  So how about you stop eating crap like Mac and Cheese?  Ok, I take that back… lots of people love Mac & Cheese and while the blue box is nostalgic, it does suck.  But this recipe… good god… make a roux man.  WTF?  I can’t even…

Hummus

Savory snacking done right.

Ok, if you haven’t been going out and reading the recipes because I haven’t been linking to them… then please read this one: http://ohmyveggies.com/roasted-garlic-kale-hummus-from-let-them-eat-kale/?utm_source=purewow&utm_medium=syndication

Remember when kale was big right?  Probably around the last time someone posted on this blog.  But I digress… after you read through the diatribe on kale and the promotion for her book (#414,608 on Amazon!) there is a perfectly fine recipe (minus the kale… really?) for hummus.  But no.  Adults don’t need to know how to make hummus.  If you’ve got a passion for hummus, then by all means, go for it.  And I bet after some practice you’ll make some damn fine hummus.  But no, hummus is not something you need to know how to make.

Omelet

The secret to fluffy omelet perfection: Beat the egg mixture with only 25-30 strokes of a fork. Then add whatever fillings your little heart desires.

Omelets aren’t easy to make.  I takes practice, and you should take time to practice.  I’ve got no beef with this.  The secret to eggs is that if they look done in the pan, they’ll be overdone on your plate.

Granola

Forget the stuff that comes in (and tastes like) a box.

No… just no.  No!  I’m very cool with you buying the stuff that comes out of the bulk bins at the grocery store, or at your local co-op, or hell, even if you do buy the stuff in a box.  If you’ve got enough time on your hands to make your own granola… or to try and shame other people into making their own damn granola… I …  You know what… fine… go ahead.  Make it once to say you’ve made it and you know how to make it, and then you’ll know that there are better ways to spend your time.

Pizza Dough

Toss together this 30-minute creation and top with marinara sauce, above.

This is where I lost it my friends.  You CANNOT make remotely decent pizza dough in 30 minutes.  Hell, even that damn recipe she linked to doesn’t even agree with that: “cover bowl with plastic wrap and set aside in a warm, draft-free place until dough has doubled in bulk, about 1 hour”.  And if you say “wadE, you can just put that bowl in a warmer spot to make it rise faster”… god so help me I will dive through this computer tear your throat out.  And if you top that pizza dough with that god awful sauce from above… well I just don’t think we can be friends anymore.

Brownies

To win friends and influence people.

Yeah… those box brownies generally suck.  But like the cookies above, a lot of grocery stores make some damn fine brownies in house.  Yes, try to make brownies from scratch sometime, but crying out loud don’t microwave your chocolate to melt it.  Get a double boiler or a metal bowl to put on top of a pot of simmering water.  Philistines.

Vinaigrette

Lemon, olive oil, Parmesan and S&P. No excuses.

For the record, the parmesan isn’t for the dressing… it’s for the salad.  But yeah, if you’ve never whisked three things in a bowl as an adult, get on that.

Roast Chicken

Because you need a one-hour chicken dinner in your repertoire.

Lastly… Yes, everyone should know how to roast a chicken.  It’s about as basic as it gets.  But if you think you can go from raw chicken to cooked chicken in one hour… hahahahaha.  Also, if you are stuffing the cavity of the bird, no need to truss.  Jus’ sayin’.

Ok… we had some fun here at poor Lauren’s expense, but her premise (which got me to click in the first place, so I suppose the joke is on me) is solid.  Yes, as an adult, and even as a kid, you should know how to cook.  You should know where your food comes from, and “the grocery store” is not the right answer.

Just like the rise of nationalism, Trump, Travel Bans, ISIS, and Russia… get informed.