Nothing like an NFL draft to get back on the old SP horse! Time for an old fashioned draft diary! 7:00 CDT: We are coming to you live from Casa Van Betta. Alex is here for the moment to watch the first few picks. We open with Ray Lewis and some rapper who looks like Usher, but obviously isn’t Usher. Alex says, “I look foward to the Philly fans booing everything”. We’ve got Berman, Chucky Gruden, and Mel Kiper Jr (who hasn’t aged a day in the last 10 years, but aged 50 years compared to him 20 years ago). Van Halen’s “Right Now” is playing… Alex: “God I really want some Crystal Pepsi.” Goddell comes out… everyone boos… not just Philly fans. 7:03: The Colts are on the clock… be back in 10 minutes. Gawd… Andrew Luck is not an attractive man. Alex: “It’s like he’s a cross between Joe Mauer and Ovechkin… he’s got all of his teeth, but he’s still ugly.” 7:05: The Colts surprisingly don’t milk the moment. Wow, that hat is terrible. “INDIANAPOLIS” I”m surprised they can fit that on the front of a hat, it should wrap around the hat like Mientkiewicz wrapped around the back of a Twins jersey. 7:09: Jesus… I hadn’t heard Luck speak before… I immediately thought Sloth from the Goones, but Alex opted for “Puttin’ on the Ritz” 7:10: Rangers scored (I knew I shouldn’t have let Alex have the remote… most likely we’ll miss the Redskins pick…) 7:12: Nike commercial… Lando the Ref makes an appearance! Chelle will be happy. Oop, the pick is in! And it’s RG3… no surprise. Damn, RG3 needs a better tailor… maybe he plans to go Hulkamania and flex right out of that suit. 7:18: I assume Cleveland was asked by ESPN to just hold off so they could run a bunch of useless RG3 highlights, and they interview him. 7:20: With the 3rd pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Trent Richardson… who actually looks decent in his suit. Jesus, Richardson is huge, but he’s hugging all these guys in his group who are all bigger than him. 7:21: The Vikings pick is in… they aren’t fucking around this year. I assume it will be Matt Kalil… but who knows… we’ll now wait several minutes so Richardson can pose in the horrible “CLEVELAND” hat. Seriously… who at New Era came up with that horrible design??? 7:24: Shot of Kevin Smith…er, wait, that’s Matt Kalil. It looks like he’s wearing a purple tie… boy, this could be awkward. He’s not on a phone though… hmmm… 7:27: Matt Kalil… good. Safe pick, but the right pick. Plus the Vikings traded down to pick up a 4th, 5th, and 7th round picks from Cleveland. 7:30: As somewhat expected, the Bucks traded out and the Jags moved up to take Justin Blackmon. But the crowd is booing because this means that Dallas is on the clock. Wait… Dallas? What did I miss? 7:35: The pick is in, we assume Claiborne… very much a Dallas pick. Boo birds… Claiborne… all very predictible. 7:39: Kiper: “He’s got kick-returnability” When is Mel going to keel over and we can have McShay take over? 7:42: Tampa Bay takes Mark Barron. Back to be DBs. Alex: “I think we’ve already gotten to the point in the draft where I don’t care anymore.” I think I agree. This could be a very short diary. 7:49: The pick is in for Miami… we all know it’s going to be QB Ryan Tannehill… and they do. This draft has gotten very boring very fast. 7:54: Panthers take Luke Keekley…er, Kuechly… poor kid. I challenged Alex to name me one good Panther defensive player… Julius Peppers… ok, so he got one. Kevin Greene… ok, two. Maybe Sam Mills at the end of his career… who turns out to be dead. Wow. Sam Mills, the field mouse, dead at 45 in 2005. 7:58: Bills… Stephon Gilmore… another other guy with a super tight suit. What the hell? Is that the new look? His sleeves are so short it looks like he’s wearing his little brother’s suit. 8:03: 11th pick… 11th??? Wow this is taking a long time… they take Dontari Poe, who is apparently Ferengi. Look at the hair… what the fuck? 8:05: The crowd starts booing? Oh, Iggles trade up. Michael Floyd dead ahead. 8:11: And the pick is… Fletcher Cox… wow… they trade up for that? Good work Philly! 8:21: Busy watching hockey and a youtube video of The Big Hrbowski. The Cards picked Floyd. So if Kolb can’t complete a pass to him or Fitz he should be drummed out of the league. 8:28:
Rams take some guy named Brockers… yeah… ok, I’m definitely running out of steam… this might turn into a diary of the Rangers/Senators game. 8:31: Text from Phil: “Who the fuck is Bruce Irvin?” I think this proves that after the top 10 it really falls off fast unless you are a college football junkie. 8:38: Jets pick is in… let the booing begin. Quintin Coples. Yeah, I might bail at the halfway point and go watch some hockey. And Alex has decided to bail. We’ll wrap it up here. See ya! Skol Vikings!